[Oda doesn't have the slightest clue that Dolph feels that way. If he did, he would have said something sooner. Now, he must sound like a man on his death bed...]
[If he has to tell someone everything about himself, then fine, he will - but if it's not a secret, then what else is there? It's not as if he doesn't feel it.]
[That's the whole problem. The problem has been a problem for so long that Oda can no longer recognize it. What's living if not waking up every day and doing what you can, what you have to? That kid on the network talked about "sucking the marrow" out of life. Oda's never done that. He's never been allowed to. He wouldn't know where to begin.]
By some people's definition, I guess. I'm alive. I'm more or less content.
[ he doesn't like using text like this. he feels it won't bring his point across as well. but it's what they're using and.
he doesn't know. he doesn't know why he's even trying. ]
The stuff we share or talk about. Or when I answer your questions. It's not easy. Even though I've come a long way, it never gets easier. But I do it anyway. Because there's meaning in the things I say. In the actions I take.
What that meaning looks like doesn't matter. For the feeling to exist is meaning enough.
[Something suddenly makes sense about their last conversation. Dolph gave, and Oda offered nothing in return. Of course it wasn't easy for Dolph to talk about...
[They're of the same mind about one thing:]
I hear what you're saying.
I'd really much rather have this conversation in person, though. I can make the trip if you're willing.
[It's where Oda has met Maruki for curry since he first arrived here, back when the weather was still hot. He doesn't usually go up to the front door without company. He wonders if the glowering homeowner will open the door when he knocks - not that he minds.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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the disease huh? ]
I thought the disease doesn't clear up. It kills you.
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Don't worry. I know it's serious.
I'm working on clearing it up, I mean.
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I'm really not the type to keep secrets.
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You just shut it out.
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[If he has to tell someone everything about himself, then fine, he will - but if it's not a secret, then what else is there? It's not as if he doesn't feel it.]
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It's not about just keeping a secret. It's about never talking about what's in your heart.
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I've never been able to live that way.
I wouldn't know how.
[He doesn't.]
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[That's the whole problem. The problem has been a problem for so long that Oda can no longer recognize it. What's living if not waking up every day and doing what you can, what you have to? That kid on the network talked about "sucking the marrow" out of life. Oda's never done that. He's never been allowed to. He wouldn't know where to begin.]
By some people's definition, I guess. I'm alive. I'm more or less content.
[. . .]
I've wanted more.
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I'm not trying to be difficult. I never had a chance to seriously consider something like that.
I'd like to write. I've been writing. I've been trying.
Even then, though, I don't care about being successful. I'm not sure it's something I can put words to.
[. . .]
I want to feel something. But I couldn't tell you what it is.
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oda, however, doesn't even know the shape of the feeling he wants to chase. how do you tackle a problem like that? ]
How often do you do something you don't like doing? Things that cause discomfort?
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How often do you do something you're not comfortable?
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Are you thinking of something specific? I'm not sure what you're asking.
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[ he doesn't like using text like this. he feels it won't bring his point across as well. but it's what they're using and.
he doesn't know. he doesn't know why he's even trying. ]
The stuff we share or talk about. Or when I answer your questions. It's not easy. Even though I've come a long way, it never gets easier. But I do it anyway. Because there's meaning in the things I say. In the actions I take.
What that meaning looks like doesn't matter. For the feeling to exist is meaning enough.
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[Something suddenly makes sense about their last conversation. Dolph gave, and Oda offered nothing in return. Of course it wasn't easy for Dolph to talk about...
[They're of the same mind about one thing:]
I hear what you're saying.
I'd really much rather have this conversation in person, though. I can make the trip if you're willing.
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( text > action )
[It's where Oda has met Maruki for curry since he first arrived here, back when the weather was still hot. He doesn't usually go up to the front door without company. He wonders if the glowering homeowner will open the door when he knocks - not that he minds.]
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Hey.
How're you feeling? I hear it gets pretty bad.
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[Oda might not have been able to see that apprehension before, but he thinks he gets it now. He needs to apologize to Dolph before he leaves today.]
Thanks for meeting up with me anyway.
I think I'm starting to get what you're saying...
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Grab a seat. You want a drink? We might have something around. Nothing like Quartz though.
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cw: multiple child death, grief
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