It's — [ fine, he nearly says and bites his tongue in response. it feels tepid and not quite what he means to say. after a moment, dolph gives an irritated huff, direct at himself not oda. ] — I know. I get it.
We're not a quid fucking quo deal. You have to work your own shit out.
[ and it's not a reflection of dolph. it still rankles, but what is he going to do about it? get mad? feel sorry for himself that he doesn't measure up. sometimes, things are like this. ]
[Maybe Oda takes "You have to work your own shit out," the wrong way, or maybe he doesn't. Either way, it makes him hesitate. Did he invite himself, or did Dolph want to have this conversation? Maybe he didn't realize the damage that had been done.]
If you'd rather I talk to someone else, I will.
I heard what you said though. I'm not sure where to begin, but I'll try.
[He didn't say that, but it still feels as though Oda's put Dolph in a position he doesn't necessarily want to be in. That doesn't exactly make it easy to open up.
[He has no idea what the fuck he's doing.]
I didn't come here to get something from you. I just wanted to talk.
[ dimly, dolph remembers a situation like this. with levi and himself. he had just wanted to talk but his trauma, his struggles were so heavy. levi was overwhelmed and tired by it. it stung but he had the right of it. and it helped dolph looked into himself a bit more. recognize what he had to learn to work with others.
oda, in a way, is in the same place. he doesn't know what or how, but he is doing it. dolph would be a hypocrite now to let his own issues get in the way. after all, he said that the words have meaning.
so finally he nods, shedding away his own insecurities for the moment. ]
Sorry.
I'm here. I'm listening. Say whatever comes. Or just . . . try.
[Odasaku nods. Whatever damage he's done, he'll have to undo it, but dying now would only make it worse. Aside from all that, more than anything, he wants Dolph to know that he's still listening...]
What you said. About doing difficult things.
You were right. I don't.
When you talked about pushing yourself...
[He's quiet for a minute, coughing lightly into his fist. He keeps his hand there, thinking...
[He has to tell the truth.]
I had nothing but admiration for you. That's still true. But I thought...right away...
[ dolph takes this in. there are a few standard responses that drift in his mind, but he dismisses them. they're not what he wants to say. pithy and preachy.
[Oda's arms rest over his knees, head bent downward. This is the farthest he ever gets, talking about anything of substance - pushing himself, as it were. He'd give anything for a smoke. He's quiet in return.]
There was never anything to begin with.
What I had, though...
[He chokes on petals in his throat; swallows them down. His fists ball up on his knees.]
The ones I cared about more than anything...were all destroyed.
[ when alex died, dolph had stood over his body. cold all over. a shaking tear had slipped past. then he had heard the violence alex had ignited, persisting in the throes of his death. people killing each other. pey'j dying. the man he loved had done that. the man whom dolph gave everything to had hurt so many people. and worse than that, the man he loved had gone and taken it all with him. the love, the hope, the dream.
if he scrubbed alex clean, he's sure he could be happier. freer. better. more independent perhaps, more the person he wished he was. if he was more, oh the person he could be. he would have loved eren properly from the start. he could have told livio his true feelings before he went to his death. never saddled jean with his unfair promises and grief. been an equal to maruki. untangled the knots in oda's heart. saved akechi.
maybe he could have saved the world. captain laserhawk.
he's not, of course. he never will be. he'll love and care and hold on the best he can. and perhaps this is how he's meant to be. perhaps this fractured self is what got him so far. in the end, no matter the damage, he just . . . cannot let go of alex. it terrifies him to think about it.
and thus.
it is this dolph laserhawk who gets up. who walks over. who kneels in front of oda. he places on one hand upon his knee. ]
But those memories . . . those smiles. They're still there. They are alive in you. It's shitty and it makes the pain all that much worse but they're there.
It doesn't have to end there. Unless that's what you want.
[Oda's face is hidden, head fully hung. His body quakes, but he isn't crying. His teeth grit tight. He feels like he could be screaming. In reality, his voice is quiet, clipped. He has to force it out.]
What right do I have to smile?
[He's taken too much. How could he possibly ask for more?
[ carefully, he threads their fingers together. knuckle to knuckle, joined. I had to keep you safe, he said once, otherwise this is all worthless. his blood was dripping on the floor. his hand was on alex's chest. his heart beat. steady. unshakeable. alex had saved him then, from red. he didn't have to. but he did.
and then. he killed dolph anyway. and dolph killed him. it was all worthless.
oda lost it all. lost himself. it ended. the end. there is no more story to write. it was all worthless.
but, he thinks. ]
They did. They do.
But . . . they're not. So you have to carry that weight. You have to take them, whatever they left you, into the future.
[ worth and right . . . what is deserving, dolph just doesn't know. he doesn't let himself think in those terms. it's too exhausting. people telling him he deserved more. it just feels like he can't do anything about it.
perhaps this will hurt oda more in the long run. maybe he should . . . infuse his words with the feeling of yes, you deserve to live. you deserve it to keep going.
but it wouldn't sound real. not coming from him. what did dolph deserve anyway? alex may have crossed a line but dolph.
dolph killed him. the only one that ever loved him. the only person he loved. there is no coming back from that. ]
[There's a ringing in Oda's ears. It's the sort you hear after being too close to an explosion. His throat is burning. Why is it burning? There's pressure on his knees. His hand is clenching so tight, and he can't breathe--
[His head slowly raises, eyes on Dolph. There's something wild about them, shoved into a too-still face. His hand is trembling from the force of his grip. His heart slams against his ribcage, roots crawling up his throat. Blood pools in the corners of his mouth.
[He doesn't choke it down.]
I'm...the only one left...
[He doesn't finish his thought, mouth left open while dark pink petals flutter out.
[ and here they are. the bereaved. what they mourn is different. the end was different. but the grief. grief never truly changes. maybe that is the thing that connects them all, even here, in this place. the one abiding emotion. ]
I'm here.
[ he reaches to cup oda's face with his free hand. ]
[The tender hand on his face makes Oda startle, his usually stoic expression torn open raw. If he wasn't frozen, maybe he'd move away, but that doesn't happen. A sudden wave sends him leaning into the touch instead, and his other hand comes up to grip over Dolph's, just the way he had over his own knee.
[He looks his friend in the eye.
[And he chokes on every name - ]
Kosuke. Shinji.
[ - seconds passing every time he has to spit another one out - ]
Katsumi. Yu.
[ - teeth bite down on bloody petals, Oda's own tongue - ]
Sakura...
[ - he chokes on every single one but especially hers...
[He says it anyway. He says them all anyway. He says more.]
There was a bloody conflict in Yokohama. They lost their parents. I found Sakura first--
I couldn't leave them.
I gave them somewhere to stay. I tried to take care of them as I could. I...
[He loved them. But that's never been a word he's known.]
I wish...you could know them too.
[There's a wet sound. Odasaku pulls petals out from between his teeth.]
[ oh. he hadn't even realized. they were kids. they were his kids. dolph inhales sharply, overcome. oda as a parent. it makes a lot of sense, even if he could never picture it before.
no wonder it was so hard. pey'j. jade.
quietly, but with enough heart to bear it. ]
Kosuke. Shinji. Katsumi. Yu. Sakura.
[ he clasps oda's hand with a tremble of his own. this is not a burden but it is still heavy. but dolph can do it. he'll do it for them. he'll do it for oda. ]
I'll remember. I'll keep them safe.
[ he brings oda's hand down to his chest. where his heart lies. ]
[It's too much. All of it. Kosuke. Shinji. Katsumi. Yu. Sakura. Oda Sakunosuke. Dolph Laserhawk. Yokohama. Visium. Oda Sakunosuke. Lumindeas. Dazai. Maruki. Ango Sakaguchi. Gide. Uncle. Oda Sakunosuke. Oda Sakunosuke. Oda Sakunosuke is a fault line, and already having struck once doesn't mean it won't happen again and again and again and again and his hand is on Dolph's heart, his hand is on Dolph's heart, his hand is on Dolph's heart and it's beating, beating, beating...
[He
has to
stop screaming
and try
to
breathe.
[Breathe.
[Suck back blood, swallow petals, curl his fingers like he's trying to grasp every heartbeat.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I'm sure you could have hit up Dazai or Maruki.
no subject
You three are the only ones I would trust with this sort of thing.
[There's a pause.]
I think I might have blown that.
You shared something with me. I couldn't give you anything in return. I'm sorry.
no subject
We're not a quid fucking quo deal. You have to work your own shit out.
[ and it's not a reflection of dolph. it still rankles, but what is he going to do about it? get mad? feel sorry for himself that he doesn't measure up. sometimes, things are like this. ]
You'll get there.
no subject
If you'd rather I talk to someone else, I will.
I heard what you said though. I'm not sure where to begin, but I'll try.
no subject
It just doesn't seem like I have anything to offer.
no subject
[He has no idea what the fuck he's doing.]
I didn't come here to get something from you. I just wanted to talk.
no subject
oda, in a way, is in the same place. he doesn't know what or how, but he is doing it. dolph would be a hypocrite now to let his own issues get in the way. after all, he said that the words have meaning.
so finally he nods, shedding away his own insecurities for the moment. ]
Sorry.
I'm here. I'm listening. Say whatever comes. Or just . . . try.
no subject
What you said. About doing difficult things.
You were right. I don't.
When you talked about pushing yourself...
[He's quiet for a minute, coughing lightly into his fist. He keeps his hand there, thinking...
[He has to tell the truth.]
I had nothing but admiration for you. That's still true. But I thought...right away...
That's something I can't do.
[He's doing it now. He's trying.]
no subject
his voice is quiet. ]
Because everything you are has ended?
no subject
There was never anything to begin with.
What I had, though...
[He chokes on petals in his throat; swallows them down. His fists ball up on his knees.]
The ones I cared about more than anything...were all destroyed.
I ended...after that.
no subject
if he scrubbed alex clean, he's sure he could be happier. freer. better. more independent perhaps, more the person he wished he was. if he was more, oh the person he could be. he would have loved eren properly from the start. he could have told livio his true feelings before he went to his death. never saddled jean with his unfair promises and grief. been an equal to maruki. untangled the knots in oda's heart. saved akechi.
maybe he could have saved the world. captain laserhawk.
he's not, of course. he never will be. he'll love and care and hold on the best he can. and perhaps this is how he's meant to be. perhaps this fractured self is what got him so far. in the end, no matter the damage, he just . . . cannot let go of alex. it terrifies him to think about it.
and thus.
it is this dolph laserhawk who gets up. who walks over. who kneels in front of oda. he places on one hand upon his knee. ]
But those memories . . . those smiles. They're still there. They are alive in you. It's shitty and it makes the pain all that much worse but they're there.
It doesn't have to end there. Unless that's what you want.
no subject
What right do I have to smile?
[He's taken too much. How could he possibly ask for more?
[He grips Dolph's hand.]
They shouldn't be memories. They deserved more.
no subject
and then. he killed dolph anyway. and dolph killed him. it was all worthless.
oda lost it all. lost himself. it ended. the end. there is no more story to write. it was all worthless.
but, he thinks. ]
They did. They do.
But . . . they're not. So you have to carry that weight. You have to take them, whatever they left you, into the future.
[ worth and right . . . what is deserving, dolph just doesn't know. he doesn't let himself think in those terms. it's too exhausting. people telling him he deserved more. it just feels like he can't do anything about it.
perhaps this will hurt oda more in the long run. maybe he should . . . infuse his words with the feeling of yes, you deserve to live. you deserve it to keep going.
but it wouldn't sound real. not coming from him. what did dolph deserve anyway? alex may have crossed a line but dolph.
dolph killed him. the only one that ever loved him. the only person he loved. there is no coming back from that. ]
Make it your duty.
no subject
[There's a ringing in Oda's ears. It's the sort you hear after being too close to an explosion. His throat is burning. Why is it burning? There's pressure on his knees. His hand is clenching so tight, and he can't breathe--
[His head slowly raises, eyes on Dolph. There's something wild about them, shoved into a too-still face. His hand is trembling from the force of his grip. His heart slams against his ribcage, roots crawling up his throat. Blood pools in the corners of his mouth.
[He doesn't choke it down.]
I'm...the only one left...
[He doesn't finish his thought, mouth left open while dark pink petals flutter out.
[Dolph is right.
[Oda hasn't let go of his hand.]
Dolph. Please...
Let me tell you their names.
no subject
I'm here.
[ he reaches to cup oda's face with his free hand. ]
I'm listening. I've got you.
cw: multiple child death, grief
[He looks his friend in the eye.
[And he chokes on every name - ]
Kosuke. Shinji.
[ - seconds passing every time he has to spit another one out - ]
Katsumi. Yu.
[ - teeth bite down on bloody petals, Oda's own tongue - ]
Sakura...
[ - he chokes on every single one but especially hers...
[He says it anyway. He says them all anyway. He says more.]
There was a bloody conflict in Yokohama. They lost their parents. I found Sakura first--
I couldn't leave them.
I gave them somewhere to stay. I tried to take care of them as I could. I...
[He loved them. But that's never been a word he's known.]
I wish...you could know them too.
[There's a wet sound. Odasaku pulls petals out from between his teeth.]
You'd get a real kick out of them, Dolph.
no subject
no wonder it was so hard. pey'j. jade.
quietly, but with enough heart to bear it. ]
Kosuke. Shinji. Katsumi. Yu. Sakura.
[ he clasps oda's hand with a tremble of his own. this is not a burden but it is still heavy. but dolph can do it. he'll do it for them. he'll do it for oda. ]
I'll remember. I'll keep them safe.
[ he brings oda's hand down to his chest. where his heart lies. ]
They'll be here.
no subject
[He
stop screaming
and try
breathe.
[Breathe.
[Suck back blood, swallow petals, curl his fingers like he's trying to grasp every heartbeat.
[Breathe. Breathe...
[And he does.
[And he never was screaming, anyway.]
I won't stop there.
[Make it your duty.]
I'll write it down. I'll...carry them.
You'll read it. Won't you?
no subject
[ his voice is thick with relief. oda is going to make it. he'll see it through. battered, grieving, heartbroken. but still here. breathing.
dolph manages a smile. ]
I'll be first in line.