[ carefully, he threads their fingers together. knuckle to knuckle, joined. I had to keep you safe, he said once, otherwise this is all worthless. his blood was dripping on the floor. his hand was on alex's chest. his heart beat. steady. unshakeable. alex had saved him then, from red. he didn't have to. but he did.
and then. he killed dolph anyway. and dolph killed him. it was all worthless.
oda lost it all. lost himself. it ended. the end. there is no more story to write. it was all worthless.
but, he thinks. ]
They did. They do.
But . . . they're not. So you have to carry that weight. You have to take them, whatever they left you, into the future.
[ worth and right . . . what is deserving, dolph just doesn't know. he doesn't let himself think in those terms. it's too exhausting. people telling him he deserved more. it just feels like he can't do anything about it.
perhaps this will hurt oda more in the long run. maybe he should . . . infuse his words with the feeling of yes, you deserve to live. you deserve it to keep going.
but it wouldn't sound real. not coming from him. what did dolph deserve anyway? alex may have crossed a line but dolph.
dolph killed him. the only one that ever loved him. the only person he loved. there is no coming back from that. ]
[There's a ringing in Oda's ears. It's the sort you hear after being too close to an explosion. His throat is burning. Why is it burning? There's pressure on his knees. His hand is clenching so tight, and he can't breathe--
[His head slowly raises, eyes on Dolph. There's something wild about them, shoved into a too-still face. His hand is trembling from the force of his grip. His heart slams against his ribcage, roots crawling up his throat. Blood pools in the corners of his mouth.
[He doesn't choke it down.]
I'm...the only one left...
[He doesn't finish his thought, mouth left open while dark pink petals flutter out.
[ and here they are. the bereaved. what they mourn is different. the end was different. but the grief. grief never truly changes. maybe that is the thing that connects them all, even here, in this place. the one abiding emotion. ]
I'm here.
[ he reaches to cup oda's face with his free hand. ]
[The tender hand on his face makes Oda startle, his usually stoic expression torn open raw. If he wasn't frozen, maybe he'd move away, but that doesn't happen. A sudden wave sends him leaning into the touch instead, and his other hand comes up to grip over Dolph's, just the way he had over his own knee.
[He looks his friend in the eye.
[And he chokes on every name - ]
Kosuke. Shinji.
[ - seconds passing every time he has to spit another one out - ]
Katsumi. Yu.
[ - teeth bite down on bloody petals, Oda's own tongue - ]
Sakura...
[ - he chokes on every single one but especially hers...
[He says it anyway. He says them all anyway. He says more.]
There was a bloody conflict in Yokohama. They lost their parents. I found Sakura first--
I couldn't leave them.
I gave them somewhere to stay. I tried to take care of them as I could. I...
[He loved them. But that's never been a word he's known.]
I wish...you could know them too.
[There's a wet sound. Odasaku pulls petals out from between his teeth.]
[ oh. he hadn't even realized. they were kids. they were his kids. dolph inhales sharply, overcome. oda as a parent. it makes a lot of sense, even if he could never picture it before.
no wonder it was so hard. pey'j. jade.
quietly, but with enough heart to bear it. ]
Kosuke. Shinji. Katsumi. Yu. Sakura.
[ he clasps oda's hand with a tremble of his own. this is not a burden but it is still heavy. but dolph can do it. he'll do it for them. he'll do it for oda. ]
I'll remember. I'll keep them safe.
[ he brings oda's hand down to his chest. where his heart lies. ]
[It's too much. All of it. Kosuke. Shinji. Katsumi. Yu. Sakura. Oda Sakunosuke. Dolph Laserhawk. Yokohama. Visium. Oda Sakunosuke. Lumindeas. Dazai. Maruki. Ango Sakaguchi. Gide. Uncle. Oda Sakunosuke. Oda Sakunosuke. Oda Sakunosuke is a fault line, and already having struck once doesn't mean it won't happen again and again and again and again and his hand is on Dolph's heart, his hand is on Dolph's heart, his hand is on Dolph's heart and it's beating, beating, beating...
[He
has to
stop screaming
and try
to
breathe.
[Breathe.
[Suck back blood, swallow petals, curl his fingers like he's trying to grasp every heartbeat.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
and then. he killed dolph anyway. and dolph killed him. it was all worthless.
oda lost it all. lost himself. it ended. the end. there is no more story to write. it was all worthless.
but, he thinks. ]
They did. They do.
But . . . they're not. So you have to carry that weight. You have to take them, whatever they left you, into the future.
[ worth and right . . . what is deserving, dolph just doesn't know. he doesn't let himself think in those terms. it's too exhausting. people telling him he deserved more. it just feels like he can't do anything about it.
perhaps this will hurt oda more in the long run. maybe he should . . . infuse his words with the feeling of yes, you deserve to live. you deserve it to keep going.
but it wouldn't sound real. not coming from him. what did dolph deserve anyway? alex may have crossed a line but dolph.
dolph killed him. the only one that ever loved him. the only person he loved. there is no coming back from that. ]
Make it your duty.
no subject
[There's a ringing in Oda's ears. It's the sort you hear after being too close to an explosion. His throat is burning. Why is it burning? There's pressure on his knees. His hand is clenching so tight, and he can't breathe--
[His head slowly raises, eyes on Dolph. There's something wild about them, shoved into a too-still face. His hand is trembling from the force of his grip. His heart slams against his ribcage, roots crawling up his throat. Blood pools in the corners of his mouth.
[He doesn't choke it down.]
I'm...the only one left...
[He doesn't finish his thought, mouth left open while dark pink petals flutter out.
[Dolph is right.
[Oda hasn't let go of his hand.]
Dolph. Please...
Let me tell you their names.
no subject
I'm here.
[ he reaches to cup oda's face with his free hand. ]
I'm listening. I've got you.
cw: multiple child death, grief
[He looks his friend in the eye.
[And he chokes on every name - ]
Kosuke. Shinji.
[ - seconds passing every time he has to spit another one out - ]
Katsumi. Yu.
[ - teeth bite down on bloody petals, Oda's own tongue - ]
Sakura...
[ - he chokes on every single one but especially hers...
[He says it anyway. He says them all anyway. He says more.]
There was a bloody conflict in Yokohama. They lost their parents. I found Sakura first--
I couldn't leave them.
I gave them somewhere to stay. I tried to take care of them as I could. I...
[He loved them. But that's never been a word he's known.]
I wish...you could know them too.
[There's a wet sound. Odasaku pulls petals out from between his teeth.]
You'd get a real kick out of them, Dolph.
no subject
no wonder it was so hard. pey'j. jade.
quietly, but with enough heart to bear it. ]
Kosuke. Shinji. Katsumi. Yu. Sakura.
[ he clasps oda's hand with a tremble of his own. this is not a burden but it is still heavy. but dolph can do it. he'll do it for them. he'll do it for oda. ]
I'll remember. I'll keep them safe.
[ he brings oda's hand down to his chest. where his heart lies. ]
They'll be here.
no subject
[He
stop screaming
and try
breathe.
[Breathe.
[Suck back blood, swallow petals, curl his fingers like he's trying to grasp every heartbeat.
[Breathe. Breathe...
[And he does.
[And he never was screaming, anyway.]
I won't stop there.
[Make it your duty.]
I'll write it down. I'll...carry them.
You'll read it. Won't you?
no subject
[ his voice is thick with relief. oda is going to make it. he'll see it through. battered, grieving, heartbroken. but still here. breathing.
dolph manages a smile. ]
I'll be first in line.