[Something suddenly makes sense about their last conversation. Dolph gave, and Oda offered nothing in return. Of course it wasn't easy for Dolph to talk about...
[They're of the same mind about one thing:]
I hear what you're saying.
I'd really much rather have this conversation in person, though. I can make the trip if you're willing.
[It's where Oda has met Maruki for curry since he first arrived here, back when the weather was still hot. He doesn't usually go up to the front door without company. He wonders if the glowering homeowner will open the door when he knocks - not that he minds.]
It's — [ fine, he nearly says and bites his tongue in response. it feels tepid and not quite what he means to say. after a moment, dolph gives an irritated huff, direct at himself not oda. ] — I know. I get it.
We're not a quid fucking quo deal. You have to work your own shit out.
[ and it's not a reflection of dolph. it still rankles, but what is he going to do about it? get mad? feel sorry for himself that he doesn't measure up. sometimes, things are like this. ]
[Maybe Oda takes "You have to work your own shit out," the wrong way, or maybe he doesn't. Either way, it makes him hesitate. Did he invite himself, or did Dolph want to have this conversation? Maybe he didn't realize the damage that had been done.]
If you'd rather I talk to someone else, I will.
I heard what you said though. I'm not sure where to begin, but I'll try.
[He didn't say that, but it still feels as though Oda's put Dolph in a position he doesn't necessarily want to be in. That doesn't exactly make it easy to open up.
[He has no idea what the fuck he's doing.]
I didn't come here to get something from you. I just wanted to talk.
[ dimly, dolph remembers a situation like this. with levi and himself. he had just wanted to talk but his trauma, his struggles were so heavy. levi was overwhelmed and tired by it. it stung but he had the right of it. and it helped dolph looked into himself a bit more. recognize what he had to learn to work with others.
oda, in a way, is in the same place. he doesn't know what or how, but he is doing it. dolph would be a hypocrite now to let his own issues get in the way. after all, he said that the words have meaning.
so finally he nods, shedding away his own insecurities for the moment. ]
Sorry.
I'm here. I'm listening. Say whatever comes. Or just . . . try.
[Odasaku nods. Whatever damage he's done, he'll have to undo it, but dying now would only make it worse. Aside from all that, more than anything, he wants Dolph to know that he's still listening...]
What you said. About doing difficult things.
You were right. I don't.
When you talked about pushing yourself...
[He's quiet for a minute, coughing lightly into his fist. He keeps his hand there, thinking...
[He has to tell the truth.]
I had nothing but admiration for you. That's still true. But I thought...right away...
[ dolph takes this in. there are a few standard responses that drift in his mind, but he dismisses them. they're not what he wants to say. pithy and preachy.
[Oda's arms rest over his knees, head bent downward. This is the farthest he ever gets, talking about anything of substance - pushing himself, as it were. He'd give anything for a smoke. He's quiet in return.]
There was never anything to begin with.
What I had, though...
[He chokes on petals in his throat; swallows them down. His fists ball up on his knees.]
The ones I cared about more than anything...were all destroyed.
[ when alex died, dolph had stood over his body. cold all over. a shaking tear had slipped past. then he had heard the violence alex had ignited, persisting in the throes of his death. people killing each other. pey'j dying. the man he loved had done that. the man whom dolph gave everything to had hurt so many people. and worse than that, the man he loved had gone and taken it all with him. the love, the hope, the dream.
if he scrubbed alex clean, he's sure he could be happier. freer. better. more independent perhaps, more the person he wished he was. if he was more, oh the person he could be. he would have loved eren properly from the start. he could have told livio his true feelings before he went to his death. never saddled jean with his unfair promises and grief. been an equal to maruki. untangled the knots in oda's heart. saved akechi.
maybe he could have saved the world. captain laserhawk.
he's not, of course. he never will be. he'll love and care and hold on the best he can. and perhaps this is how he's meant to be. perhaps this fractured self is what got him so far. in the end, no matter the damage, he just . . . cannot let go of alex. it terrifies him to think about it.
and thus.
it is this dolph laserhawk who gets up. who walks over. who kneels in front of oda. he places on one hand upon his knee. ]
But those memories . . . those smiles. They're still there. They are alive in you. It's shitty and it makes the pain all that much worse but they're there.
It doesn't have to end there. Unless that's what you want.
[Oda's face is hidden, head fully hung. His body quakes, but he isn't crying. His teeth grit tight. He feels like he could be screaming. In reality, his voice is quiet, clipped. He has to force it out.]
What right do I have to smile?
[He's taken too much. How could he possibly ask for more?
[ carefully, he threads their fingers together. knuckle to knuckle, joined. I had to keep you safe, he said once, otherwise this is all worthless. his blood was dripping on the floor. his hand was on alex's chest. his heart beat. steady. unshakeable. alex had saved him then, from red. he didn't have to. but he did.
and then. he killed dolph anyway. and dolph killed him. it was all worthless.
oda lost it all. lost himself. it ended. the end. there is no more story to write. it was all worthless.
but, he thinks. ]
They did. They do.
But . . . they're not. So you have to carry that weight. You have to take them, whatever they left you, into the future.
[ worth and right . . . what is deserving, dolph just doesn't know. he doesn't let himself think in those terms. it's too exhausting. people telling him he deserved more. it just feels like he can't do anything about it.
perhaps this will hurt oda more in the long run. maybe he should . . . infuse his words with the feeling of yes, you deserve to live. you deserve it to keep going.
but it wouldn't sound real. not coming from him. what did dolph deserve anyway? alex may have crossed a line but dolph.
dolph killed him. the only one that ever loved him. the only person he loved. there is no coming back from that. ]
[There's a ringing in Oda's ears. It's the sort you hear after being too close to an explosion. His throat is burning. Why is it burning? There's pressure on his knees. His hand is clenching so tight, and he can't breathe--
[His head slowly raises, eyes on Dolph. There's something wild about them, shoved into a too-still face. His hand is trembling from the force of his grip. His heart slams against his ribcage, roots crawling up his throat. Blood pools in the corners of his mouth.
[He doesn't choke it down.]
I'm...the only one left...
[He doesn't finish his thought, mouth left open while dark pink petals flutter out.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[Something suddenly makes sense about their last conversation. Dolph gave, and Oda offered nothing in return. Of course it wasn't easy for Dolph to talk about...
[They're of the same mind about one thing:]
I hear what you're saying.
I'd really much rather have this conversation in person, though. I can make the trip if you're willing.
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( text > action )
[It's where Oda has met Maruki for curry since he first arrived here, back when the weather was still hot. He doesn't usually go up to the front door without company. He wonders if the glowering homeowner will open the door when he knocks - not that he minds.]
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Hey.
How're you feeling? I hear it gets pretty bad.
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[Oda might not have been able to see that apprehension before, but he thinks he gets it now. He needs to apologize to Dolph before he leaves today.]
Thanks for meeting up with me anyway.
I think I'm starting to get what you're saying...
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Grab a seat. You want a drink? We might have something around. Nothing like Quartz though.
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I'll take one, yeah. Thanks. Whatever you've got.
[He takes a seat on the couch. He's been inside once or twice before, and he knows Jean lives here. It only makes sense Dolph is staying here too.]
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If you were feeling that bad, I could have just come to you.
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[His eyes are on Dolph. There's a weight to that gaze.]
I needed this, I think.
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I'm sure you could have hit up Dazai or Maruki.
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You three are the only ones I would trust with this sort of thing.
[There's a pause.]
I think I might have blown that.
You shared something with me. I couldn't give you anything in return. I'm sorry.
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We're not a quid fucking quo deal. You have to work your own shit out.
[ and it's not a reflection of dolph. it still rankles, but what is he going to do about it? get mad? feel sorry for himself that he doesn't measure up. sometimes, things are like this. ]
You'll get there.
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If you'd rather I talk to someone else, I will.
I heard what you said though. I'm not sure where to begin, but I'll try.
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It just doesn't seem like I have anything to offer.
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[He has no idea what the fuck he's doing.]
I didn't come here to get something from you. I just wanted to talk.
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oda, in a way, is in the same place. he doesn't know what or how, but he is doing it. dolph would be a hypocrite now to let his own issues get in the way. after all, he said that the words have meaning.
so finally he nods, shedding away his own insecurities for the moment. ]
Sorry.
I'm here. I'm listening. Say whatever comes. Or just . . . try.
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What you said. About doing difficult things.
You were right. I don't.
When you talked about pushing yourself...
[He's quiet for a minute, coughing lightly into his fist. He keeps his hand there, thinking...
[He has to tell the truth.]
I had nothing but admiration for you. That's still true. But I thought...right away...
That's something I can't do.
[He's doing it now. He's trying.]
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his voice is quiet. ]
Because everything you are has ended?
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There was never anything to begin with.
What I had, though...
[He chokes on petals in his throat; swallows them down. His fists ball up on his knees.]
The ones I cared about more than anything...were all destroyed.
I ended...after that.
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if he scrubbed alex clean, he's sure he could be happier. freer. better. more independent perhaps, more the person he wished he was. if he was more, oh the person he could be. he would have loved eren properly from the start. he could have told livio his true feelings before he went to his death. never saddled jean with his unfair promises and grief. been an equal to maruki. untangled the knots in oda's heart. saved akechi.
maybe he could have saved the world. captain laserhawk.
he's not, of course. he never will be. he'll love and care and hold on the best he can. and perhaps this is how he's meant to be. perhaps this fractured self is what got him so far. in the end, no matter the damage, he just . . . cannot let go of alex. it terrifies him to think about it.
and thus.
it is this dolph laserhawk who gets up. who walks over. who kneels in front of oda. he places on one hand upon his knee. ]
But those memories . . . those smiles. They're still there. They are alive in you. It's shitty and it makes the pain all that much worse but they're there.
It doesn't have to end there. Unless that's what you want.
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What right do I have to smile?
[He's taken too much. How could he possibly ask for more?
[He grips Dolph's hand.]
They shouldn't be memories. They deserved more.
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and then. he killed dolph anyway. and dolph killed him. it was all worthless.
oda lost it all. lost himself. it ended. the end. there is no more story to write. it was all worthless.
but, he thinks. ]
They did. They do.
But . . . they're not. So you have to carry that weight. You have to take them, whatever they left you, into the future.
[ worth and right . . . what is deserving, dolph just doesn't know. he doesn't let himself think in those terms. it's too exhausting. people telling him he deserved more. it just feels like he can't do anything about it.
perhaps this will hurt oda more in the long run. maybe he should . . . infuse his words with the feeling of yes, you deserve to live. you deserve it to keep going.
but it wouldn't sound real. not coming from him. what did dolph deserve anyway? alex may have crossed a line but dolph.
dolph killed him. the only one that ever loved him. the only person he loved. there is no coming back from that. ]
Make it your duty.
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[There's a ringing in Oda's ears. It's the sort you hear after being too close to an explosion. His throat is burning. Why is it burning? There's pressure on his knees. His hand is clenching so tight, and he can't breathe--
[His head slowly raises, eyes on Dolph. There's something wild about them, shoved into a too-still face. His hand is trembling from the force of his grip. His heart slams against his ribcage, roots crawling up his throat. Blood pools in the corners of his mouth.
[He doesn't choke it down.]
I'm...the only one left...
[He doesn't finish his thought, mouth left open while dark pink petals flutter out.
[Dolph is right.
[Oda hasn't let go of his hand.]
Dolph. Please...
Let me tell you their names.
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cw: multiple child death, grief
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