[ he doesn't like using text like this. he feels it won't bring his point across as well. but it's what they're using and.
he doesn't know. he doesn't know why he's even trying. ]
The stuff we share or talk about. Or when I answer your questions. It's not easy. Even though I've come a long way, it never gets easier. But I do it anyway. Because there's meaning in the things I say. In the actions I take.
What that meaning looks like doesn't matter. For the feeling to exist is meaning enough.
[Something suddenly makes sense about their last conversation. Dolph gave, and Oda offered nothing in return. Of course it wasn't easy for Dolph to talk about...
[They're of the same mind about one thing:]
I hear what you're saying.
I'd really much rather have this conversation in person, though. I can make the trip if you're willing.
[It's where Oda has met Maruki for curry since he first arrived here, back when the weather was still hot. He doesn't usually go up to the front door without company. He wonders if the glowering homeowner will open the door when he knocks - not that he minds.]
It's — [ fine, he nearly says and bites his tongue in response. it feels tepid and not quite what he means to say. after a moment, dolph gives an irritated huff, direct at himself not oda. ] — I know. I get it.
We're not a quid fucking quo deal. You have to work your own shit out.
[ and it's not a reflection of dolph. it still rankles, but what is he going to do about it? get mad? feel sorry for himself that he doesn't measure up. sometimes, things are like this. ]
[Maybe Oda takes "You have to work your own shit out," the wrong way, or maybe he doesn't. Either way, it makes him hesitate. Did he invite himself, or did Dolph want to have this conversation? Maybe he didn't realize the damage that had been done.]
If you'd rather I talk to someone else, I will.
I heard what you said though. I'm not sure where to begin, but I'll try.
[He didn't say that, but it still feels as though Oda's put Dolph in a position he doesn't necessarily want to be in. That doesn't exactly make it easy to open up.
[He has no idea what the fuck he's doing.]
I didn't come here to get something from you. I just wanted to talk.
[ dimly, dolph remembers a situation like this. with levi and himself. he had just wanted to talk but his trauma, his struggles were so heavy. levi was overwhelmed and tired by it. it stung but he had the right of it. and it helped dolph looked into himself a bit more. recognize what he had to learn to work with others.
oda, in a way, is in the same place. he doesn't know what or how, but he is doing it. dolph would be a hypocrite now to let his own issues get in the way. after all, he said that the words have meaning.
so finally he nods, shedding away his own insecurities for the moment. ]
Sorry.
I'm here. I'm listening. Say whatever comes. Or just . . . try.
[Odasaku nods. Whatever damage he's done, he'll have to undo it, but dying now would only make it worse. Aside from all that, more than anything, he wants Dolph to know that he's still listening...]
What you said. About doing difficult things.
You were right. I don't.
When you talked about pushing yourself...
[He's quiet for a minute, coughing lightly into his fist. He keeps his hand there, thinking...
[He has to tell the truth.]
I had nothing but admiration for you. That's still true. But I thought...right away...
[ dolph takes this in. there are a few standard responses that drift in his mind, but he dismisses them. they're not what he wants to say. pithy and preachy.
[Oda's arms rest over his knees, head bent downward. This is the farthest he ever gets, talking about anything of substance - pushing himself, as it were. He'd give anything for a smoke. He's quiet in return.]
There was never anything to begin with.
What I had, though...
[He chokes on petals in his throat; swallows them down. His fists ball up on his knees.]
The ones I cared about more than anything...were all destroyed.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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How often do you do something you're not comfortable?
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Are you thinking of something specific? I'm not sure what you're asking.
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[ he doesn't like using text like this. he feels it won't bring his point across as well. but it's what they're using and.
he doesn't know. he doesn't know why he's even trying. ]
The stuff we share or talk about. Or when I answer your questions. It's not easy. Even though I've come a long way, it never gets easier. But I do it anyway. Because there's meaning in the things I say. In the actions I take.
What that meaning looks like doesn't matter. For the feeling to exist is meaning enough.
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[Something suddenly makes sense about their last conversation. Dolph gave, and Oda offered nothing in return. Of course it wasn't easy for Dolph to talk about...
[They're of the same mind about one thing:]
I hear what you're saying.
I'd really much rather have this conversation in person, though. I can make the trip if you're willing.
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( text > action )
[It's where Oda has met Maruki for curry since he first arrived here, back when the weather was still hot. He doesn't usually go up to the front door without company. He wonders if the glowering homeowner will open the door when he knocks - not that he minds.]
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Hey.
How're you feeling? I hear it gets pretty bad.
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[Oda might not have been able to see that apprehension before, but he thinks he gets it now. He needs to apologize to Dolph before he leaves today.]
Thanks for meeting up with me anyway.
I think I'm starting to get what you're saying...
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Grab a seat. You want a drink? We might have something around. Nothing like Quartz though.
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I'll take one, yeah. Thanks. Whatever you've got.
[He takes a seat on the couch. He's been inside once or twice before, and he knows Jean lives here. It only makes sense Dolph is staying here too.]
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If you were feeling that bad, I could have just come to you.
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[His eyes are on Dolph. There's a weight to that gaze.]
I needed this, I think.
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I'm sure you could have hit up Dazai or Maruki.
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You three are the only ones I would trust with this sort of thing.
[There's a pause.]
I think I might have blown that.
You shared something with me. I couldn't give you anything in return. I'm sorry.
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We're not a quid fucking quo deal. You have to work your own shit out.
[ and it's not a reflection of dolph. it still rankles, but what is he going to do about it? get mad? feel sorry for himself that he doesn't measure up. sometimes, things are like this. ]
You'll get there.
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If you'd rather I talk to someone else, I will.
I heard what you said though. I'm not sure where to begin, but I'll try.
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It just doesn't seem like I have anything to offer.
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[He has no idea what the fuck he's doing.]
I didn't come here to get something from you. I just wanted to talk.
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oda, in a way, is in the same place. he doesn't know what or how, but he is doing it. dolph would be a hypocrite now to let his own issues get in the way. after all, he said that the words have meaning.
so finally he nods, shedding away his own insecurities for the moment. ]
Sorry.
I'm here. I'm listening. Say whatever comes. Or just . . . try.
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What you said. About doing difficult things.
You were right. I don't.
When you talked about pushing yourself...
[He's quiet for a minute, coughing lightly into his fist. He keeps his hand there, thinking...
[He has to tell the truth.]
I had nothing but admiration for you. That's still true. But I thought...right away...
That's something I can't do.
[He's doing it now. He's trying.]
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his voice is quiet. ]
Because everything you are has ended?
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There was never anything to begin with.
What I had, though...
[He chokes on petals in his throat; swallows them down. His fists ball up on his knees.]
The ones I cared about more than anything...were all destroyed.
I ended...after that.
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cw: multiple child death, grief
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