( inbox )

[laserhawk]

( audio | video | text )

Comments

[laserhawk]

[ hmm. ]

Sure. Anything in particular?

[livlaughlove]

[He swears he was making that silly cup long before this.

There's a moment where Livio just chews on his lip, trying to figure out the best way to word things...]

Well, for starters, I want it out there that yer feelin's are important to me. So if you're willin' to be blunt 'n honest with me, I'd sure appreciate it. ... Not that you haven't been so far, I just wanna be certain.

[Hough.]

Where d'you stand on seein' other folks official-like? I mean more than just kissin' 'n that stuff. Actually usin' big words like "partner" or whatnot. [And actually --] Before you answer, I want you to know whatever you say won't make me wanna stop bein' with you. Like y'said before... I chose you.

[laserhawk]

[ dolph turns the cup over in his hands, thinking it over. livio doesn't have much experience. with partners, with people too, most likely. all of this is new to him. and it's less new to dolph. he's been in love. he's done dating. he's done it all. ]

You should . . . meet more people if you want. Kiss them, sex, whatever. I won't mind. It'll be good. It'll help you learn what you want.

[ livio is not in love with him. dolph is . . . too broken to fall in love with someone. being pedantic seems unfair and he didn't want to do that. it should be a beautiful thing, to search and find what you're missing. what you don't even know you wanted.

he swallows it down. ]

If you get yourself another partner, then I'd like to know. Or we can not be, if that's easier.

[livlaughlove]

[Liv sure hopes it's okay to touch him right now, because he can't seem to stop himself from at least trying to lay his hand over Dolph's.]

It isn't that I don't wanna be with you. I for sure don't wanna leave you just to go chasin' other folks. I just... I guess I got stuff in my head without actually askin' how you feel before now.

I know your last relationship went... real sour. The last thing I want's to make you feel like you don't matter to me. I get that we don't know near everythin' about each other, but that don't mean I don't wanna be with you. I do.

[laserhawk]

[ the touch is reassuring and it settles him a little. ]

You can be with me and still want to be with other people. You should get to explore that.

I just meant . . . if your feelings change. If you feel strongly about someone else, you should follow it through.

[livlaughlove]

[Thank god for that. He may just hold Dolph's hands with both of his, in that case.]

I'll keep it in mind, I guess. But... what about you? If yer wonderin' about my feelin's, I want you to find as much love as y'can handle.

[laserhawk]

[ ah. he ducks his head a little, letting his hair fall over his face. ]

I don't think that's a good idea.

[livlaughlove]

[Livio feels like he should give Dolph space, but he's trying to stop assuming what Dolph wants.]

Why not...?

[laserhawk]

Well, the last time I fell in love, he shot me five times and sold me out to the person who put a bomb in my head and used me as a virus.

And after that, he tried to wine and dine me, saying how he still loved me.

[livlaughlove]

[Despite Livio's... feelings on this ex, right now he's just worried about Dolph.

... And maybe a little bit about what that means for them.]

I mean... you deserve people who care about you. Who act like it.

Is this... [Is it unfair to ask this when he isn't in love with Dolph yet? Maybe. He really can't tell.] Do you not want this to go that far? To... love, I mean. I'd shoot myself before I would you.

[laserhawk]

[ dolph eyes him curiously for a moment before becoming somber. ]

It's the one thing I can't ask of anyone. Even you. It's . . . too much work. Too much pain. And it's not supposed to be. I know how it was. I was loved.

It's nice to be with you. Nicer . . . than I ever thought it could be. But you're not in love with me. And you're not going to be.

[livlaughlove]

[Livio's heart aches for Dolph. So much so it takes the air from his lungs for a moment.]

... That doesn't answer my question. Do you want it, Dolph? Because if you don't, I -- I don't know if that's somethin' I can promise. [He may be a fool about a lot of things, but Livio is plenty aware that he loves fast, and he loves so much it consumes him.]

[laserhawk]

[ he blinks a ear from his eye as he laughs hoarsely, his voice quiet and wrecked. ]

Yeah. I still want it.

[livlaughlove]

Okay... [He squeezes his hands slightly around Dolph's, unsure if he wants more contact.

Maybe it's selfish to try to relate to him out loud, but... it also feels like Dolph is so alone and Liv would give anything in this moment to make it not so.]

... I loved, too. I wasn't in love, but -- it was still real love. [His feelings may have been manipulated, but they were real. Not just to Livio.] The person I loved and trusted the most tried to kill me, just because it was convenient. I gave him my everything, and I was still expendable.

[laserhawk]

[ oh. dolph looks up at him, eyes wide. he knew there were similarities, he just didn't think it was completely across. tentatively, he laces his fingers with livio. ]

How did you go on?

[ because dolph . . . hadn't wanted to. killing alex was the right thing to do and he didn't feel guilty but . . . the pain was indescribable. like his heart had been wrenched out of his chest. ]

[livlaughlove]

[That makes him feel a little better about moving closer.

Part of Livio (he knows exactly what part) still feels wrong being so vulnerable with someone, like he's a wild animal willfully exposing his underbelly. It makes him want to lash out or run as fast and far as he can until his legs snap beneath him.

But he doesn't. And he doesn't think he says what Dolph wants to hear, either.]

Only did because I had to. I'd say it was outta spite, but really, it's guilt.

He tried to shoot me just to get at someone he hated. Someone I did actually matter to. Only... that someone was already dyin', because of what I'd done. He saved me from that blow... From that man.

So... if I'd just given up, laid down and let myself waste away... I'd've been spittin' on my best friend's grave.

[laserhawk]

[ he does remember the guilt. leaving eden, knowing he had all that blood on his hands. he doesn't hold onto it as strongly as the anger and fear, the visceral pain he felt as eden had turned him inside out and then made him an enemy in his own country. the only place he had ever known.

eden punishes those who stand up for themselves.

gently, dolph reaches out to lay his palm against livio's cheek before leaning in to press their foreheads together. ]

It's a better world with you in it.

[livlaughlove]

[Anger and fear may always be a part of Livio, one deeper down than the other, but the guilt is what really drives him. In that sense, he and Dolph are similar, but different.

It's easy enough to crane his neck and close his eyes right now, though. To let himself find comfort in Dolph's touch.]

I'm glad y'think so. 'n I'm glad I got the chance to meet you.

[laserhawk]

[ dolph has his fingers rub soothing circles into livio's neck. the way he used to. ]

Me too.

I'm glad someone cared enough to save you.

[ he doesn't know what that is like. or he does, in a way. alex had saved him. alex destroyed him. reconciling the two is . . . a process. ]

[livlaughlove]

[Livio isn't so arrogant to think he's in a position to save Dolph in turn, but fuck if he doesn't want to at least try protecting his heart from further hurt. He slides his free hand around Dolph's waist, more unabashed and firm than he's allowed himself thus far.]

I don't agree with you, about before. I don't think love is s'posed to be easy. It is work. 'n sometimes it hurts. But I wanna put in that work. 'n I don't think you could hurt me worse'n I already have been.

[laserhawk]

[ dolph has a million excuses. it's too much work. it's too painful. it's not worth it. he doesn't even know if he can love again, as much as he may want to. instead he huffs softly, tucking his face against livio's neck. ]

We can try.

[livlaughlove]

[Just based on the conversations they've already had, Livio can imagine it isn't easy for Dolph to just go along without protest. He appreciates that. It makes it clear that Dolph is trying, too. And Livio rewards that, nuzzling into his hair to press kisses to his head.]

[laserhawk]

[ he makes a soft, pleased sound at that as he slides an arm around livio to press his palm against his back. his cheeks are warm as he murmurs, with no heat. ]

Sap.

[livlaughlove]

[Oh lord does he chuckle.]

Yeah? Took ya long enough to figure that out.

[laserhawk]

Mm. I'll remember that for next time.

[ he does shift to press a trail of kisses to the side of livio's neck. ]