[ She isn't sure with which thing she should begin. Between the Will and Strohl versus Kazuya situation and Hoshina, it's difficult to pick. Will and Strohl have recovered from their fight with Kazuya and they're doing well enough that she's going to ask them to help out with farm things tomorrow, but the tension and hostility remain, and her concern with it. Meanwhile, thoughts about Hoshina intrude upon even that, so... there?
She's got to stat somewhere, do something. If she can't focus properly, she can't do anything for herself or anyone else. Getting worked up the way she has been diverts precious energy from her management of the Hunger and she can't afford that.
But what the hell is she even asking? ]
OK theres 2 situations involvin different ppl
so theres this guy i met last month like almost a month ago exactly i challengd him 2 a game of move-and-seek and weve been playin games evr since
hes lots o fun!! seems like he can keep up wit me?? tats rare and hes an absolute troll an doesnt take nething srsly
makes me wanna shake him til tat stupid smile falls off his face a lot of teh time
i mean he RLY doesn take nething seriously!! even the flowr petal disease
like while we were txting even aftr i told him he could die from it ab 2 take it srsly be4 he gave me teh address 2 the inn where he was staying he sent me this pic that um
[ ... ]
what sit mean if a guy sends u a uh rly hot pic while hes dying?? an then tries to prank u when he can barely stand on his feet bc he's DYING????
[ And that's just the tip of the iceberg. She hits send on it. She needs a minute to splash cold water on her face. There's a reason this is text. ]
[ She knows that's not what he means. She knows it and she asked anyway due to some hope part of her realizes is both brittle and futile. She wants to drop that part of herself into a lake, too. ]
[ See, this is why she came to Dolph. He's got a good head on his shoulders and he keeps it level. She knows she can trust him to be straight with her. She just... kind of sorta was wanting the opposite kind of answer if her pending reply doesn't make it obvious. ]
but tey can?
[ Kind of sort of. Her fingers twitch with the memory of Hoshina's hand in hers that day and then there was that stupid prank broadcast... and before that, other little things. There's a lightness and some foolish hope colliding with something akin to a quiet, growing panic. ]
[ But she did come to Laserhawk and nothing is fine, especially given the time it takes her to dislodge that picture Hoshina sent from behind her eyes. If that's the reality of the situation (and her mind is grasping at straws trying to come up with some counter she could effectively use, but all she's coming up with are questionable moments between them, like -- wait, so he was deflecting when she said that at that time! That little --), then what? It's not like she has to do anything with the information, but this is different than how it is with Bas. Bas doesn't get under her skin in the same way Hoshina does, doesn't flex his fingers and push her buttons. Hoshina just... ]
but he does stuff like
[ Like worry about her when he's the one dyi -- okay! Alright! Okay! Alright!! She needs to stop. She needs to stop choking on butterflies and shut this down.
Besides, Laserhawk could be wrong, right?
... pffffthahahahaaa! ]
OK so ig i shouldve startd with is there a way 2 turn off teh whole red faced distracted noticing things an havin intrusive thougts about the guy thing?? like a button i can push or a dance i can do or SUMTHIN??
cause i cant B like tis
[ Please hold a brief moment. She was about to type "hell eat me alive" and lost it at the realization, making some strange, sort of strangled closed-mouth sound suddenly for too long that fills her house. ]
its 2 much and its not safe
an dont say "stop playin with him' cause tats not an option
[ She wasn't planning on talking this much, just asking a few questions, but here they are. It isn't that she doesn't trust Laserhawk either. It's more that she doesn't trust the network, not with intimate details about certain things. She types a bunch only to wind up deleting it. ]
im not comfrtable leavin it as text on teh network can i call?
[ And that'd be a ring ring, Laserhawk. Bit of an awkward pause when he picks up, too. ]
Hey, so... be cool, yeah?
[ She adjusts the phone against her ear, giving it a brief look. She hasn't heard of it recording and broadcasting things said, but she's sure it's got some sort of capacity for recording and storing information at least. If that's the case, it already has, so... deep breath. ]
I don't think you would, but promise me you won't let this slip if it's in your power. You'll get why when I explain, just... I need you to do that for me and mean it.
[ It's a mix of relief and tension that grips her. She knows she can trust Laserhawk; she feels it strongly. Just because she broke the conditioning that made it more than physically painful for her to yield secrets doesn't mean it it doesn't affect her physically anymore, particularly when it comes to certain things.
Thus, she braces quietly as she tends to. ]
So, I'm not wholly human. No biggie.
[ Did she just say "biggie"? ]
The polite term for my race is hanyoukai -- "han" being "half," "youkai" usually being translated as something like "demon," "spirit," "apparition," "goblin" -- the list goes on. The clan that'd claim me [ an important distinction, that wording ] is subject to what's called "the Hunger," which starts at the same time as puberty. They develop an appetite, a... very primal lust for flesh and blood, especially that of humans.
That's life from that point on. Adapt or die: there's no in-between, no exposing or compromising the clan.
I was on my own. No guidance, no instruction manual. [ ... ] I guess... maybe things got confused? I don't know. I do know it got weird, imagining kissing somebody one moment and uh, taking more than a nibble the next, so I just... stopped.
It's not like I had time to focus on that kind of thing anyway, y'know? Surviving's always been the priority. Controlling myself, the Hunger, managing it -- I have to be able to do it and it takes a lot of me to do it, Laserhawk. It's bad enough it gets weird. I think it might be worse when I like someone like that? Even if it isn't, liking someone like that, that takes a lot of me, too.
You've seen what this place can do. We both have.
[ It's how they met. She doubts he needs a detailed reminder. ]
I have to have my energy. I have to be able to focus. If I were to lose control of myself, I... I just don't want to hurt him or anyone else. That's why.
[ It would be now that her stomach chooses to assert its opinion about the matter. It's a loud, lengthy growl, loud enough to be heard over the phone. ]
[ oh that is. a lot. no wonder she got weird on him a while back when he told her she should keep trying. how do you keep a leash on your nature? when this place is always waiting to dig its hooks in you.
still. he wouldn't take back those words. ]
So. What's the priority now? Is it just survival? Those feelings you have aren't going to go away just because of that.
Why not adapt to the idea that who you are isn't something to be feared or kept at arm's length, but to be understood?
'Not all the time,' she thinks. 'Not in the exact same ways as in Tokyo.'
Nao wouldn't say she's relaxed exactly, but looking out into the night at her land while sitting on the outdoor veranda of her farm house, she can't exactly say her priority right now is just survival. She doesn't want for food, water, shelter, clothing, shoes, or funds. The things and people who might threaten her life, livelihood, and the lives of her friends are local to the world or Dreamers like herself. There are no Shizuoka here; the only people who know anything about the clan and the danger she would pose were she to lose control of herself are the people she's told herself, and she's been careful, selective about who she's told and what she's told them.
She has friends, people she can rely on to some extent and with whom she has personal relationships rather than professional ones. They hang out, do things together, play -- and she hasn't played in so long, not like this. Not ever, not Nao.
Survival is still a priority, but there are other priorities, too. Establishing her farm and entering the market, supplying Basilio and Fidelio's eventual diner, perhaps opening up a few other business ventures; discovering the identity of the mysterious contractor, finding a way for Dreamers to retain their memories of the world and tether themselves to it so they have the option to stay or control their departure is dire. And, of course, there are so many things she wants to do, research, learn, explore. There's people she wants to meet and understand she hasn't even laid eyes on yet!
Is this something like living? It's more than surviving and Laserhawk is right. Her feelings probably would go away were she to hole up somewhere, resume playing "ghost," and -- well, surviving is different here, isn't it?
Still. She adjusts her phone against her ear. Adjust...? ]
What do you mean? Like, explain these things about myself or...?
[ An eyebrow may or may not be raised beneath her fringe. That she's asking him to clarify instead of rebuking the idea should speak volumes. ]
Everyone here comes from different places. We all have baggage. Terrible things we've done. Parts of our nature we try to suppress and deny.
[ dolph has his arm. the back door to his head. even now, he frets about that weakness. the way someone could just slip into his head. change everything about him. kill him without lifting a finger. the powerlessness and the pain has not been forgotten. not even here.
but what kind of life is that? to be bound by your own fear. who wins? no one except the people who made him this way. ]
You know them best. If you trust them, then you should share it with them too. Change the nature of your survival. Adapt it to this place. So when or if something happens, you don't have to face it on your own.
[ If Nao hadn't been holding her Oracle to her ear with her right hand, she would've touched the scar on her upper-left arm. She would've wrapped her fingers around it and held it tight enough to really feel it because it's real, physical proof of what Laserhawk is saying.
She trusts Basilio, who severed her arm and grappled with guilt and his fear of losing control of himself, the possibility he might hurt if not kill someone and like it. She trusts Laserhawk, who saw their situation for what it was at that time, saved her life, and spared Basilio's in turn. Laserhawk's quick thinking and the efforts of the healers at the conclave are the reason she has her life and left arm right now and they had been complete strangers at the time.
Later, at the time she'd shared with Basilio her fear of losing control of herself and why, he'd said something that resonates with what Laserhawk is saying.
"You got friends to rely on, now. If things start gettin' scary, we'll all help you out," Bas had said, and hugged her.
It was the first time she'd felt safe in nine years and it was in the arms of a friend, her first friend, who, knowing about the Hunger and some things about the Shizuoka clan, looked her in the face and resolved to stick with her. Had it been anyone else, she might have had ground to stand on if she'd tried to argue it was solely because of some sense of obligation he felt since she'd stuck with him after he'd lost control of himself and hurt her, but it's Bas, so that argument can't begin to stand. He's honest and earnest, the type to raise a brow and say, "It's a glass of water," if she was to ask him about a glass half-empty, half-full of water.
Before that, she'd been terrified.
To not have to face things on her own when something happens, to trust the people she knows with her secrets and life... change the nature of her survival and adapt it to this place, it seems so obvious when Laserhawk says it. She's been adapting to the world and her situation, but the nature of her survival hadn't changed in her mind. It was only at the beginning of January after she wished herself proper and regained her abilities, that critically missing piece of self that she could investigate whether or not any Shizuoka were present in the world. There weren't and some things changed with that knowledge, but not the nature of her survival. No, not that, or had she in some way?
She'd told Bas about the Hunger and some other things and has been planning on sharing knowledge of the Hunger Fidelio so he's aware in case something happens. With Strohl, during the Flower Petal Disease outbreak, it had just sort of... happened and Will, she thinks it's probably safe to tell him some things, too.
She isn't a Shizuoka, that's her claim; and yet, she suffers the Hunger. It's an indisputable proof of Shizuoka heritage she can't hide behind contacts or ever be rid of. Coffee only suppresses her appetite for blood and flesh. She stays hungry. On bad days, she holes up in her room to try to sleep through the agony. Things apparently still get weird and every time she tells someone about these things, it feels like her claim shudders and weakens.
She has to look at it for her sake and the sake of her friends, but there are things she doesn't think anyone would understand. It's complicated, difficult, painful to consider, and Laserhawk hasn't said a single thing she could draw on to criticize the ideas he's put forward.
Nao isn't sure what to think. "Not too fast maybe" is a solid thought because this is a lot to process and consider even for her with her eight threads spinning simultaneously. She wonders what Hoshina would think, being the son of an ancient clan of monster hunters. Someone from a clan like that could go any way.
Finally, she exhales, releasing a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. ]
I've gotta do something. Going on like this indefinitely isn't an option. I'll think about it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text; un: pink.cloud | 3/5, Night
r u busy rn?
ive kinda got sum questions if ur up 4 it
need sumbody wit a good head on teir shoulders
and ur teh best i kno (-人-)
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I'm good. What's up?
no subject
She's got to stat somewhere, do something. If she can't focus properly, she can't do anything for herself or anyone else. Getting worked up the way she has been diverts precious energy from her management of the Hunger and she can't afford that.
But what the hell is she even asking? ]
OK
theres 2 situations involvin different ppl
so theres this guy i met last month
like almost a month ago exactly
i challengd him 2 a game of move-and-seek
and weve been playin games evr since
hes lots o fun!!
seems like he can keep up wit me?? tats rare
and hes an absolute troll an doesnt take nething srsly
makes me wanna shake him til tat stupid smile falls off his face a lot of teh time
i mean he RLY doesn take nething seriously!!
even the flowr petal disease
like while we were txting
even aftr i told him he could die from it ab 2 take it srsly
be4 he gave me teh address 2 the inn where he was staying
he sent me this pic that um
[ ... ]
what sit mean if a guy sends u a uh
rly hot pic while hes dying??
an then tries to prank u when he can barely stand on his feet bc
he's DYING????
[ And that's just the tip of the iceberg. She hits send on it. She needs a minute to splash cold water on her face. There's a reason this is text. ]
no subject
oh well. ]
It sounds like he's bad at taking anything seriously.
But it also sounds like he likes you.
no subject
a frend right??
[ She knows that's not what he means. She knows it and she asked anyway due to some hope part of her realizes is both brittle and futile. She wants to drop that part of herself into a lake, too. ]
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but tey can?
[ Kind of sort of. Her fingers twitch with the memory of Hoshina's hand in hers that day and then there was that stupid prank broadcast... and before that, other little things. There's a lightness and some foolish hope colliding with something akin to a quiet, growing panic. ]
no subject
But if it was, you wouldn't be coming to me, would you?
cw for certain links: not-hanaki so blood, body horror, etc.
probly not no
cause everything would b fine
[ But she did come to Laserhawk and nothing is fine, especially given the time it takes her to dislodge that picture Hoshina sent from behind her eyes. If that's the reality of the situation (and her mind is grasping at straws trying to come up with some counter she could effectively use, but all she's coming up with are questionable moments between them, like -- wait, so he was deflecting when she said that at that time! That little --), then what? It's not like she has to do anything with the information, but this is different than how it is with Bas. Bas doesn't get under her skin in the same way Hoshina does, doesn't flex his fingers and push her buttons. Hoshina just... ]
but he does stuff like
[ Like worry about her when he's the one dyi -- okay! Alright! Okay! Alright!! She needs to stop. She needs to stop choking on butterflies and shut this down.
Besides, Laserhawk could be wrong, right?
... pffffthahahahaaa! ]
OK so
ig i shouldve startd with
is there a way 2 turn off teh whole
red faced distracted noticing things an havin intrusive thougts about the guy thing??
like a button i can push or a dance i can do or SUMTHIN??
cause i cant B like tis
[ Please hold a brief moment. She was about to type "hell eat me alive" and lost it at the realization, making some strange, sort of strangled closed-mouth sound suddenly for too long that fills her house. ]
its 2 much
and its not safe
an dont say "stop playin with him' cause tats not an option
no subject
Not sure there's a patented way to turn off a crush.
Why isn't it safe?
no subject
im not comfrtable leavin it as text on teh network
can i call?
no subject
no subject
Hey, so... be cool, yeah?
[ She adjusts the phone against her ear, giving it a brief look. She hasn't heard of it recording and broadcasting things said, but she's sure it's got some sort of capacity for recording and storing information at least. If that's the case, it already has, so... deep breath. ]
I don't think you would, but promise me you won't let this slip if it's in your power. You'll get why when I explain, just... I need you to do that for me and mean it.
no subject
Sure. It'll stay with me.
1/2 + CW: suggestion of cannibalism, vore ig
Thus, she braces quietly as she tends to. ]
So, I'm not wholly human. No biggie.
[ Did she just say "biggie"? ]
The polite term for my race is hanyoukai -- "han" being "half," "youkai" usually being translated as something like "demon," "spirit," "apparition," "goblin" -- the list goes on. The clan that'd claim me [ an important distinction, that wording ] is subject to what's called "the Hunger," which starts at the same time as puberty. They develop an appetite, a... very primal lust for flesh and blood, especially that of humans.
That's life from that point on. Adapt or die: there's no in-between, no exposing or compromising the clan.
I was on my own. No guidance, no instruction manual. [ ... ] I guess... maybe things got confused? I don't know. I do know it got weird, imagining kissing somebody one moment and uh, taking more than a nibble the next, so I just... stopped.
It's not like I had time to focus on that kind of thing anyway, y'know? Surviving's always been the priority. Controlling myself, the Hunger, managing it -- I have to be able to do it and it takes a lot of me to do it, Laserhawk. It's bad enough it gets weird. I think it might be worse when I like someone like that? Even if it isn't, liking someone like that, that takes a lot of me, too.
You've seen what this place can do. We both have.
[ It's how they met. She doubts he needs a detailed reminder. ]
I have to have my energy. I have to be able to focus. If I were to lose control of myself, I... I just don't want to hurt him or anyone else. That's why.
2/2
Oh, shut up, you!!
no subject
still. he wouldn't take back those words. ]
So. What's the priority now? Is it just survival? Those feelings you have aren't going to go away just because of that.
Why not adapt to the idea that who you are isn't something to be feared or kept at arm's length, but to be understood?
no subject
'Not all the time,' she thinks. 'Not in the exact same ways as in Tokyo.'
Nao wouldn't say she's relaxed exactly, but looking out into the night at her land while sitting on the outdoor veranda of her farm house, she can't exactly say her priority right now is just survival. She doesn't want for food, water, shelter, clothing, shoes, or funds. The things and people who might threaten her life, livelihood, and the lives of her friends are local to the world or Dreamers like herself. There are no Shizuoka here; the only people who know anything about the clan and the danger she would pose were she to lose control of herself are the people she's told herself, and she's been careful, selective about who she's told and what she's told them.
She has friends, people she can rely on to some extent and with whom she has personal relationships rather than professional ones. They hang out, do things together, play -- and she hasn't played in so long, not like this. Not ever, not Nao.
Survival is still a priority, but there are other priorities, too. Establishing her farm and entering the market, supplying Basilio and Fidelio's eventual diner, perhaps opening up a few other business ventures; discovering the identity of the mysterious contractor, finding a way for Dreamers to retain their memories of the world and tether themselves to it so they have the option to stay or control their departure is dire. And, of course, there are so many things she wants to do, research, learn, explore. There's people she wants to meet and understand she hasn't even laid eyes on yet!
Is this something like living? It's more than surviving and Laserhawk is right. Her feelings probably would go away were she to hole up somewhere, resume playing "ghost," and -- well, surviving is different here, isn't it?
Still. She adjusts her phone against her ear. Adjust...? ]
What do you mean? Like, explain these things about myself or...?
[ An eyebrow may or may not be raised beneath her fringe. That she's asking him to clarify instead of rebuking the idea should speak volumes. ]
no subject
Everyone here comes from different places. We all have baggage. Terrible things we've done. Parts of our nature we try to suppress and deny.
[ dolph has his arm. the back door to his head. even now, he frets about that weakness. the way someone could just slip into his head. change everything about him. kill him without lifting a finger. the powerlessness and the pain has not been forgotten. not even here.
but what kind of life is that? to be bound by your own fear. who wins? no one except the people who made him this way. ]
You know them best. If you trust them, then you should share it with them too. Change the nature of your survival. Adapt it to this place. So when or if something happens, you don't have to face it on your own.
1/2 | cw: allusion to cannibalism
She trusts Basilio, who severed her arm and grappled with guilt and his fear of losing control of himself, the possibility he might hurt if not kill someone and like it. She trusts Laserhawk, who saw their situation for what it was at that time, saved her life, and spared Basilio's in turn. Laserhawk's quick thinking and the efforts of the healers at the conclave are the reason she has her life and left arm right now and they had been complete strangers at the time.
Later, at the time she'd shared with Basilio her fear of losing control of herself and why, he'd said something that resonates with what Laserhawk is saying.
"You got friends to rely on, now. If things start gettin' scary, we'll all help you out," Bas had said, and hugged her.
It was the first time she'd felt safe in nine years and it was in the arms of a friend, her first friend, who, knowing about the Hunger and some things about the Shizuoka clan, looked her in the face and resolved to stick with her. Had it been anyone else, she might have had ground to stand on if she'd tried to argue it was solely because of some sense of obligation he felt since she'd stuck with him after he'd lost control of himself and hurt her, but it's Bas, so that argument can't begin to stand. He's honest and earnest, the type to raise a brow and say, "It's a glass of water," if she was to ask him about a glass half-empty, half-full of water.
Before that, she'd been terrified.
To not have to face things on her own when something happens, to trust the people she knows with her secrets and life... change the nature of her survival and adapt it to this place, it seems so obvious when Laserhawk says it. She's been adapting to the world and her situation, but the nature of her survival hadn't changed in her mind. It was only at the beginning of January after she wished herself proper and regained her abilities, that critically missing piece of self that she could investigate whether or not any Shizuoka were present in the world. There weren't and some things changed with that knowledge, but not the nature of her survival. No, not that, or had she in some way?
She'd told Bas about the Hunger and some other things and has been planning on sharing knowledge of the Hunger Fidelio so he's aware in case something happens. With Strohl, during the Flower Petal Disease outbreak, it had just sort of... happened and Will, she thinks it's probably safe to tell him some things, too.
She isn't a Shizuoka, that's her claim; and yet, she suffers the Hunger. It's an indisputable proof of Shizuoka heritage she can't hide behind contacts or ever be rid of. Coffee only suppresses her appetite for blood and flesh. She stays hungry. On bad days, she holes up in her room to try to sleep through the agony. Things apparently still get weird and every time she tells someone about these things, it feels like her claim shudders and weakens.
She has to look at it for her sake and the sake of her friends, but there are things she doesn't think anyone would understand. It's complicated, difficult, painful to consider, and Laserhawk hasn't said a single thing she could draw on to criticize the ideas he's put forward.
Nao isn't sure what to think. "Not too fast maybe" is a solid thought because this is a lot to process and consider even for her with her eight threads spinning simultaneously. She wonders what Hoshina would think, being the son of an ancient clan of monster hunters. Someone from a clan like that could go any way.
Finally, she exhales, releasing a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. ]
I've gotta do something. Going on like this indefinitely isn't an option. I'll think about it.
2/2
no subject
[ c'mon. really? ]
Also as someone with a computer in his head, I don't really recommend the switching shit off. You never know when you might need it.
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The crush thing is just part of your feelings. It's not some magical new thing you have, but something you were always capable of.
no subject
[ She rubs her face quietly, thinking. ]
Wanna call it a night? I'm sure this has already been a lot.
[ Definitely for her, very probably for him, and Strohl, Will, and Kazuya -- that situation is its own kind of difficult. She's tired. ]
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wr... ap?