It was already happening. Shovin' an unstable monster in a soul it didn't even belong to was a recipe for disaster.
[The meaning of the tattoo on his wrists might be more obvious, now. Shackles, for the burden he willingly placed back on his own shoulders and chained himself to.]
[He shakes his head. He's not explaining this well.]
Nothing. I'm just -- frustrated. Thought it'd be enough just to undo what he did, take Castor back, but he was messed up so bad he turned right into one of those damn crystal things anyway. An' that ain't even the end of it all...
[After all that, he wasn't even fast enough to summon him the next time someone was in trouble. There's a sharp, agitated exhale.]
Shit always goes to hell when I'm involved. Some things just don't change.
[Yeah, that sounds about right. An acknowledging nod, punctuated with a sigh.]
He always did think if he could just fix me, everything would go back the way it was.
[Hell, it had been a surprise how little Aki has pushed him on all the things they used to fight about -- real visible signs of things having changed after he died. But isn't he the same? That's his wish, too, after all, just more literally.]
[ he is of two minds here. yeah, it's galling that someone thinks you can be fixed through wishes or whatever this place cooks up. he can't blame a newcomer for thinking that, but it's stupid all the same.
and yet. shinji doesn't really talk to people, he blows them off angrily. he doubles down on his pain and guilt. and dolph can empathize as well. maybe even envy. ]
Maybe you just need to find some middle ground. For now.
[What does that even mean, really? What does it look like? He's been ... making more of an effort than he had when he was freshly arrived. He has a house he lives in, more or less takes care of his needs and even engages in his hobby, sometimes using shards earned from talking to people. He has more than he expected, honestly. He's even participated in some of the quest board items, recently.
It's been an exhausting few days, though. He wouldn't have it in him to get defensive even if it's what he felt right now. As wrung out as he is, though, instead ...there's space to just -- listen.]
...Maybe that's for the best. I wouldn't want him gettin' attached to this place, anyway. He's got a life to get back to.
[Long before Aki even arrived, Shinjiro had found himself worried about his friend showing up and throwing his future away for more time with him. He deserves better than to rot indefinitely in some magical torture cage for the sake of a dead man.]
Would you believe that's what the post about the blue potion was for? I told him I'd ask. I wasn't just trying to pick a fight.
[He closes his eyes for a moment, fingers tightening against the edge of the windowsill to keep his hands from shaking. He'd snapped angrily at him, then, tried to push him away for feeling stung. But Laserhawk had come for him anyway, refused to go, and he can't deny something's been built here. Maybe the least he can do is finally try to answer that question, from before.]
...You know that phrase, the road to hell's paved with good intentions? I'm -- tired of walking on it, Laserhawk. [You always think everyone has it easier than you--] And not bein' able to see the path off that others do.
[It was different in Iwatodai. The road had already reached its dead end, and all that was left for him was taking the last step off the cliff. But what does he do now?]
[ dolph knows exhaustion. he's tired too, right down to his bones. it was supposed to be over. he was supposed to have an ending. and he hoped at the very least, he accomplished something, even if he didn't know what.
but. he's met so many people here. lives that have touched him. lives even he has touched. ultimately, dolph has come to his own conclusions. ]
Maybe don't see the road. Just see the people you meet.
[He breathes carefully, knuckles gone white from clenching at the windowsill. His teeth grit for just a moment before he lets it go with his breath. There's a roughness to his voice like it truly is difficult to get out the words.]
And if I wind up running them over? What gives me the right to just keep on going?
[To keep trying, to keep failing? Surely there must...be a limit, right. A tipping point, at which he should stop. It seems so impossible to bear the weight of just being this for the rest of the indefinite future.]
[It hits him in the chest. Dolph will hear the sharp sudden inhale of breath, even if his face is turned away from him, expression obscured.]
I...
[Whatever that sentence might have thought of being, it dies in his throat before it even has a chance. There's a noise like choking on something, and before he knows it his vision has gone blurry, drops of moisture landing on the sill. His fingers slacken as shoulders begin to shake, and a hand comes up instead to try to stop it, fruitlessly.
He can't remember the last time he cried. Was it for Miki, all those years ago? Or had he held them in for Aki's sake, to keep all the pieces together safely as his friend shattered? Any sense that it's embarrassing to do this in front of someone else has gone somewhere far away, smothered in the tsunami of grief he's always held back, refused to grant himself the grace to feel.
It's not loud or dramatic. He just sits there, doubled over himself, tears flowing and flowing. He wonders if they'll ever stop. If he even wants them to.]
[ that was it. the breaking point. dolph doesn't need to say more but he will get up and rest a quiet hand on the small of shinji's back. and merely wait until the tremors subside. until it's time to dry your eyes and get up again. ]
[It's warm. Shinjiro's only distantly aware of it, that spot of warmth on his back, but all the same it keeps him grounded as he empties himself out, a lightning rod to direct all the intense destructive energy into so it disperses safely. Eventually, the shaking does stop. The last of his tears drip from his cheeks and the cool sting of air against them stirs him back into the present. He rubs at his face, to get himself back together.
Some of the embarrassment of before does filter in now, but it doesn't feel hot and sharp inside him. There's almost a sort of affection in it, like the way he feels when Aki goes on about dawn runs or protein powder on his boiled chicken. He wonders when this man became such a fixture in his life, someone he could trust enough to come for him when he's in trouble, to see him unraveled like this. He wonders when it was that he became able to accept that feeling without being terrified of it.
He lifts his head, finally, sort of half-looking at Dolph over his shoulder.]
...Sorry. Thanks. I'm okay. Let's -- get out of here, huh?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[Well, maybe a little. In the sense he always used to get mad about his recklessness, back in the SEES days.]
But it was stupid. Locals almost got killed. I couldn't let him end up like me.
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Do you think that'll happen?
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[The meaning of the tattoo on his wrists might be more obvious, now. Shackles, for the burden he willingly placed back on his own shoulders and chained himself to.]
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So what do you want from him?
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Nothing. I'm just -- frustrated. Thought it'd be enough just to undo what he did, take Castor back, but he was messed up so bad he turned right into one of those damn crystal things anyway. An' that ain't even the end of it all...
[After all that, he wasn't even fast enough to summon him the next time someone was in trouble. There's a sharp, agitated exhale.]
Shit always goes to hell when I'm involved. Some things just don't change.
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This place kind of plays on that. And he's new. He wouldn't have known.
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He always did think if he could just fix me, everything would go back the way it was.
[Hell, it had been a surprise how little Aki has pushed him on all the things they used to fight about -- real visible signs of things having changed after he died. But isn't he the same? That's his wish, too, after all, just more literally.]
Guess I shouldn't be surprised he took his shot.
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and yet. shinji doesn't really talk to people, he blows them off angrily. he doubles down on his pain and guilt. and dolph can empathize as well. maybe even envy. ]
Maybe you just need to find some middle ground. For now.
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[What does that even mean, really? What does it look like? He's been ... making more of an effort than he had when he was freshly arrived. He has a house he lives in, more or less takes care of his needs and even engages in his hobby, sometimes using shards earned from talking to people. He has more than he expected, honestly. He's even participated in some of the quest board items, recently.
It's been an exhausting few days, though. He wouldn't have it in him to get defensive even if it's what he felt right now. As wrung out as he is, though, instead ...there's space to just -- listen.]
Like what?
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But neither of you are going to get very far like this.
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[Long before Aki even arrived, Shinjiro had found himself worried about his friend showing up and throwing his future away for more time with him. He deserves better than to rot indefinitely in some magical torture cage for the sake of a dead man.]
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Just lay it out. Set something in stone.
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[He closes his eyes for a moment, fingers tightening against the edge of the windowsill to keep his hands from shaking. He'd snapped angrily at him, then, tried to push him away for feeling stung. But Laserhawk had come for him anyway, refused to go, and he can't deny something's been built here. Maybe the least he can do is finally try to answer that question, from before.]
...You know that phrase, the road to hell's paved with good intentions? I'm -- tired of walking on it, Laserhawk. [You always think everyone has it easier than you--] And not bein' able to see the path off that others do.
[It was different in Iwatodai. The road had already reached its dead end, and all that was left for him was taking the last step off the cliff. But what does he do now?]
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but. he's met so many people here. lives that have touched him. lives even he has touched. ultimately, dolph has come to his own conclusions. ]
Maybe don't see the road. Just see the people you meet.
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And if I wind up running them over? What gives me the right to just keep on going?
[To keep trying, to keep failing? Surely there must...be a limit, right. A tipping point, at which he should stop. It seems so impossible to bear the weight of just being this for the rest of the indefinite future.]
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Being alive is not your crime.
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I...
[Whatever that sentence might have thought of being, it dies in his throat before it even has a chance. There's a noise like choking on something, and before he knows it his vision has gone blurry, drops of moisture landing on the sill. His fingers slacken as shoulders begin to shake, and a hand comes up instead to try to stop it, fruitlessly.
He can't remember the last time he cried. Was it for Miki, all those years ago? Or had he held them in for Aki's sake, to keep all the pieces together safely as his friend shattered? Any sense that it's embarrassing to do this in front of someone else has gone somewhere far away, smothered in the tsunami of grief he's always held back, refused to grant himself the grace to feel.
It's not loud or dramatic. He just sits there, doubled over himself, tears flowing and flowing. He wonders if they'll ever stop. If he even wants them to.]
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shall we wrap?
Some of the embarrassment of before does filter in now, but it doesn't feel hot and sharp inside him. There's almost a sort of affection in it, like the way he feels when Aki goes on about dawn runs or protein powder on his boiled chicken. He wonders when this man became such a fixture in his life, someone he could trust enough to come for him when he's in trouble, to see him unraveled like this. He wonders when it was that he became able to accept that feeling without being terrified of it.
He lifts his head, finally, sort of half-looking at Dolph over his shoulder.]
...Sorry. Thanks. I'm okay. Let's -- get out of here, huh?
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Yeah. There's no need to stay here.