Would you believe that's what the post about the blue potion was for? I told him I'd ask. I wasn't just trying to pick a fight.
[He closes his eyes for a moment, fingers tightening against the edge of the windowsill to keep his hands from shaking. He'd snapped angrily at him, then, tried to push him away for feeling stung. But Laserhawk had come for him anyway, refused to go, and he can't deny something's been built here. Maybe the least he can do is finally try to answer that question, from before.]
...You know that phrase, the road to hell's paved with good intentions? I'm -- tired of walking on it, Laserhawk. [You always think everyone has it easier than you--] And not bein' able to see the path off that others do.
[It was different in Iwatodai. The road had already reached its dead end, and all that was left for him was taking the last step off the cliff. But what does he do now?]
[ dolph knows exhaustion. he's tired too, right down to his bones. it was supposed to be over. he was supposed to have an ending. and he hoped at the very least, he accomplished something, even if he didn't know what.
but. he's met so many people here. lives that have touched him. lives even he has touched. ultimately, dolph has come to his own conclusions. ]
Maybe don't see the road. Just see the people you meet.
[He breathes carefully, knuckles gone white from clenching at the windowsill. His teeth grit for just a moment before he lets it go with his breath. There's a roughness to his voice like it truly is difficult to get out the words.]
And if I wind up running them over? What gives me the right to just keep on going?
[To keep trying, to keep failing? Surely there must...be a limit, right. A tipping point, at which he should stop. It seems so impossible to bear the weight of just being this for the rest of the indefinite future.]
[It hits him in the chest. Dolph will hear the sharp sudden inhale of breath, even if his face is turned away from him, expression obscured.]
I...
[Whatever that sentence might have thought of being, it dies in his throat before it even has a chance. There's a noise like choking on something, and before he knows it his vision has gone blurry, drops of moisture landing on the sill. His fingers slacken as shoulders begin to shake, and a hand comes up instead to try to stop it, fruitlessly.
He can't remember the last time he cried. Was it for Miki, all those years ago? Or had he held them in for Aki's sake, to keep all the pieces together safely as his friend shattered? Any sense that it's embarrassing to do this in front of someone else has gone somewhere far away, smothered in the tsunami of grief he's always held back, refused to grant himself the grace to feel.
It's not loud or dramatic. He just sits there, doubled over himself, tears flowing and flowing. He wonders if they'll ever stop. If he even wants them to.]
[ that was it. the breaking point. dolph doesn't need to say more but he will get up and rest a quiet hand on the small of shinji's back. and merely wait until the tremors subside. until it's time to dry your eyes and get up again. ]
[It's warm. Shinjiro's only distantly aware of it, that spot of warmth on his back, but all the same it keeps him grounded as he empties himself out, a lightning rod to direct all the intense destructive energy into so it disperses safely. Eventually, the shaking does stop. The last of his tears drip from his cheeks and the cool sting of air against them stirs him back into the present. He rubs at his face, to get himself back together.
Some of the embarrassment of before does filter in now, but it doesn't feel hot and sharp inside him. There's almost a sort of affection in it, like the way he feels when Aki goes on about dawn runs or protein powder on his boiled chicken. He wonders when this man became such a fixture in his life, someone he could trust enough to come for him when he's in trouble, to see him unraveled like this. He wonders when it was that he became able to accept that feeling without being terrified of it.
He lifts his head, finally, sort of half-looking at Dolph over his shoulder.]
...Sorry. Thanks. I'm okay. Let's -- get out of here, huh?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Just lay it out. Set something in stone.
no subject
[He closes his eyes for a moment, fingers tightening against the edge of the windowsill to keep his hands from shaking. He'd snapped angrily at him, then, tried to push him away for feeling stung. But Laserhawk had come for him anyway, refused to go, and he can't deny something's been built here. Maybe the least he can do is finally try to answer that question, from before.]
...You know that phrase, the road to hell's paved with good intentions? I'm -- tired of walking on it, Laserhawk. [You always think everyone has it easier than you--] And not bein' able to see the path off that others do.
[It was different in Iwatodai. The road had already reached its dead end, and all that was left for him was taking the last step off the cliff. But what does he do now?]
no subject
but. he's met so many people here. lives that have touched him. lives even he has touched. ultimately, dolph has come to his own conclusions. ]
Maybe don't see the road. Just see the people you meet.
no subject
And if I wind up running them over? What gives me the right to just keep on going?
[To keep trying, to keep failing? Surely there must...be a limit, right. A tipping point, at which he should stop. It seems so impossible to bear the weight of just being this for the rest of the indefinite future.]
no subject
Being alive is not your crime.
no subject
I...
[Whatever that sentence might have thought of being, it dies in his throat before it even has a chance. There's a noise like choking on something, and before he knows it his vision has gone blurry, drops of moisture landing on the sill. His fingers slacken as shoulders begin to shake, and a hand comes up instead to try to stop it, fruitlessly.
He can't remember the last time he cried. Was it for Miki, all those years ago? Or had he held them in for Aki's sake, to keep all the pieces together safely as his friend shattered? Any sense that it's embarrassing to do this in front of someone else has gone somewhere far away, smothered in the tsunami of grief he's always held back, refused to grant himself the grace to feel.
It's not loud or dramatic. He just sits there, doubled over himself, tears flowing and flowing. He wonders if they'll ever stop. If he even wants them to.]
no subject
shall we wrap?
Some of the embarrassment of before does filter in now, but it doesn't feel hot and sharp inside him. There's almost a sort of affection in it, like the way he feels when Aki goes on about dawn runs or protein powder on his boiled chicken. He wonders when this man became such a fixture in his life, someone he could trust enough to come for him when he's in trouble, to see him unraveled like this. He wonders when it was that he became able to accept that feeling without being terrified of it.
He lifts his head, finally, sort of half-looking at Dolph over his shoulder.]
...Sorry. Thanks. I'm okay. Let's -- get out of here, huh?
no subject
Yeah. There's no need to stay here.