Prior to meeting in this reality, I only knew him as a celebrity. It's something that I've grown to regret more and more as we've gotten to know one another, and it's not something that I can provide him any support or understanding about. He's important to me, so seeing that someone can speak to him honestly about it is important to me as well. It was more than you might realize.
Besides, I didn't know any of that about you. What a life you led.
You did! I just didn't expect a celebrity life to be beneath the surface of the water. Lesson learned.
That's a good metric to live by here, I think. The time we have is limited in a way we cannot control or know. It's best to say what we mean whenever we can.
[ Action figures. It truly could have been so much worse for Akechi. At least, as far as he knows, the Detective Prince persona didn't come with merchandise.
But the Phantom Thieves sure did. Akira and the rest of his friends certainly didn't suffer from celebrity life the way that Akechi did, but oscillating public scrutiny and adoration? Absolutely.
It isn't a figure of speech. He really can't imagine it. Can't fathom it. Hates that Akechi and Dolph have this same experience; is intensely grateful that they have this understanding. ]
Yes, it's a lesson I intend to take back to my reality as well. I don't have any intention of forgetting what I've learned and experienced here, despite everything history indicates.
I don't blame you. People don't realize what happens behind the scenes. When everything is an act, you become fake too. Nothing you say, nothing you do feels real. I couldn't tell you if I ever had a real friend. Or if anything was ever real there.
Your sense of reality vanishes.
[ and dolph is still putting those pieces together, ravaged when he was too young to know any better. he'd say it's a testament to his strength that he survived, but in the end . . . he didn't. he has no doubt there was a fun segment on the news, crowing about it.
he's not sure akechi knows. dolph suspects whatever he's in it for, he considers it worth the price. and that's sad in its own right. because nothing should be worth that. ]
I won't say anything more about Akechi, as everything between us is held in confidence not as counselor and patient but as allies. I will say this, based entirely on my own observations and conjecture: I don't believe he's ever had a real friend either, and I don't expect that to change either here or back in our true reality. I do my best to make up for that in the ways that I can. I cannot in good conscience ever recommend that anyone else tries to do for him what I do, but my gratitude for someone like you who can fill in the few gaps that I can't is immeasurable.
Aside from all of that - I'm sorry you experienced that as well. Knowing that you've been seizing the opportunity to try to become your own person in this reality is a heartening thing.
[ he wonders if age dynamics come into play here. maruki is an adult, after all. and dolph's never know any teen to care that much about what an adult says or thinks.
but he's never heard maruki talk about anyone like that. so perhaps, even in the depths, it registers for akechi. how could it not? ]
Maybe you shouldn't try to fill those gaps. Maybe you just need to be a new space. Let him decide where you need to be.
You can't make up for it. No one can. There's nothing we can ever say and do that'll negate the tragedies. All we can do is be enough of a person to another so there's less of one.
[ It's too complicated to begin to explain, there is too much that he knows about Akechi that no one else can or should or likely ever will.
He is nothing but gaps. He's never had anyone, anything. It isn't pity that he feels for Akechi. It isn't pity at all. At the very center of everything he feels for Akechi, there is only a Gordian knot of all of his outrage at the injustice of their world.
So by that very nature, filling in those gaps is being a new space. It's a void that Maruki has stepped into, and one that he knows Akechi doesn't know how to react to. It's why he's found himself with hands wrapped around his throat, eyes gouged out, neck nearly severed in two. It's why he'll likely find himself with a gun to his head, here or in their reality or both. ]
I appreciate the advice. It's an extremely complex situation that I wouldn't know how to begin to explain even if I could, but that really is something I'll keep in mind as I continue to navigate it.
You wouldn't make as bad of a counselor as you think you would!
It's fine. I don't need to know and you don't have to tell me. Like I said, it's better to say things than to keep quiet about it.
And not everything needs an explanation. Sometimes all you have are the feelings.
[ like. the reasons for alex's betrayal, the abuse, the hurt is all laid out. dolph can pick at them like a scab as much as he wants, but his feelings remain. they haven't gone away. they never will. ]
A feeling I understand all too well. I have a couple other friends with similar issues who I've been working on finding hobbies with - actually, Kuro works for you, doesn't he?
He's one of my closest friends here. I think you'd like him. He also is completely unfamiliar with the concept of free time, so we've been trying to work on that by trying new things together. I guess it's a more common issue than one might realize, huh?
Also... can I ask what you encountered in the labyrinth?
I ask because another friend of mine entered the labyrinth only to wind up in... some sort of facsimile of a house she lived in, back in her reality.
I'm interested in the ways that the labyrinth manipulates us by showing us people or places from our pasts. I think there's a connection there to the larger manipulations done to Somnius as a whole, so I've been trying to learn more where I can.
[ that tracks for the labyrinth. the last time he went in, it was just a greenhouse. they gave back alex's hairtie which he tucks away safely in his house. he hasn't told anyone about it. ]
Well, horrific and me tend to go together. It's fine. I'm used to being fucked with.
But that doesn't surprise me. This place knows everything after all. Reads us like a book.
It does, doesn't it? I've been trying to impress that upon several people lately. It isn't just about the wishes that we make - seemingly any information, even what hasn't been shared publicly or privately, can be used against us here.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Prior to meeting in this reality, I only knew him as a celebrity. It's something that I've grown to regret more and more as we've gotten to know one another, and it's not something that I can provide him any support or understanding about. He's important to me, so seeing that someone can speak to him honestly about it is important to me as well. It was more than you might realize.
Besides, I didn't know any of that about you. What a life you led.
no subject
And it's fine. If it helps, that's great. If it doesn't . . . at least it's out there. Maybe it'll be something to remember and hold onto.
I can't waste time I have missing out on the things I should have said.
no subject
That's a good metric to live by here, I think. The time we have is limited in a way we cannot control or know. It's best to say what we mean whenever we can.
no subject
You should learn for any place. You never know. Here or elsewhere. I just know I can't afford it.
no subject
[ Action figures. It truly could have been so much worse for Akechi. At least, as far as he knows, the Detective Prince persona didn't come with merchandise.
But the Phantom Thieves sure did. Akira and the rest of his friends certainly didn't suffer from celebrity life the way that Akechi did, but oscillating public scrutiny and adoration? Absolutely.
It isn't a figure of speech. He really can't imagine it. Can't fathom it. Hates that Akechi and Dolph have this same experience; is intensely grateful that they have this understanding. ]
Yes, it's a lesson I intend to take back to my reality as well. I don't have any intention of forgetting what I've learned and experienced here, despite everything history indicates.
cw: mentions of death
Your sense of reality vanishes.
[ and dolph is still putting those pieces together, ravaged when he was too young to know any better. he'd say it's a testament to his strength that he survived, but in the end . . . he didn't. he has no doubt there was a fun segment on the news, crowing about it.
he's not sure akechi knows. dolph suspects whatever he's in it for, he considers it worth the price. and that's sad in its own right. because nothing should be worth that. ]
Let's hope so.
no subject
I won't say anything more about Akechi, as everything between us is held in confidence not as counselor and patient but as allies. I will say this, based entirely on my own observations and conjecture: I don't believe he's ever had a real friend either, and I don't expect that to change either here or back in our true reality. I do my best to make up for that in the ways that I can. I cannot in good conscience ever recommend that anyone else tries to do for him what I do, but my gratitude for someone like you who can fill in the few gaps that I can't is immeasurable.
Aside from all of that - I'm sorry you experienced that as well. Knowing that you've been seizing the opportunity to try to become your own person in this reality is a heartening thing.
no subject
but he's never heard maruki talk about anyone like that. so perhaps, even in the depths, it registers for akechi. how could it not? ]
Maybe you shouldn't try to fill those gaps. Maybe you just need to be a new space. Let him decide where you need to be.
You can't make up for it. No one can. There's nothing we can ever say and do that'll negate the tragedies. All we can do is be enough of a person to another so there's less of one.
cw attempted murder
He is nothing but gaps. He's never had anyone, anything. It isn't pity that he feels for Akechi. It isn't pity at all. At the very center of everything he feels for Akechi, there is only a Gordian knot of all of his outrage at the injustice of their world.
So by that very nature, filling in those gaps is being a new space. It's a void that Maruki has stepped into, and one that he knows Akechi doesn't know how to react to. It's why he's found himself with hands wrapped around his throat, eyes gouged out, neck nearly severed in two. It's why he'll likely find himself with a gun to his head, here or in their reality or both. ]
I appreciate the advice. It's an extremely complex situation that I wouldn't know how to begin to explain even if I could, but that really is something I'll keep in mind as I continue to navigate it.
You wouldn't make as bad of a counselor as you think you would!
no subject
It's fine. I don't need to know and you don't have to tell me. Like I said, it's better to say things than to keep quiet about it.
And not everything needs an explanation. Sometimes all you have are the feelings.
[ like. the reasons for alex's betrayal, the abuse, the hurt is all laid out. dolph can pick at them like a scab as much as he wants, but his feelings remain. they haven't gone away. they never will. ]
no subject
Sorry again. I know this was strange.
On an unrelated note, how has that prescribed rest been going?
no subject
Fine, really. Kind of weird. Not sure what to do with free time.
no subject
no subject
no subject
Also... can I ask what you encountered in the labyrinth?
no subject
Ghosts. Lots of them. None of my abilities worked, obviously, so they caught up to me.
no subject
Ghosts, huh... Were any, ah, recognizable to you?
no subject
I've killed too many people to know that.
no subject
I'm interested in the ways that the labyrinth manipulates us by showing us people or places from our pasts. I think there's a connection there to the larger manipulations done to Somnius as a whole, so I've been trying to learn more where I can.
I'm sorry, though. That sounds horrific...
no subject
Well, horrific and me tend to go together. It's fine. I'm used to being fucked with.
But that doesn't surprise me. This place knows everything after all. Reads us like a book.
no subject
no subject
Others will struggle. The denial makes this place stronger.
no subject
Do you mean that literally? About the denial.
no subject
The more you suppress, the more you deny, the easier this place digs at you.
no subject
You're right. I agree.
However, this isn't something I hear people mention often. Or ever. How did you come up with it?
(no subject)
(no subject)
cw: derogatory language, mentioned homophobia
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)