[ Dazai pulls back accordingly, so that Dolph can wipe down where he'd been leaning down. ]
Why would I be?
[ Maybe on some level he is, incensed in some way that normal people can't understand, and he certaintly is, but it's balanced out by care and desire, and so... ]
... I know Odasaku needs more than me, [ He nods, certain of that, in that sort of knowing way, and maybe it does piss him off a little, but ] ... If I disappear... He needs more than me.
[ Because Dazai has always thought ahead. Always, always. He doesn't think of his life as anything but transient, and so he sighs, ]
You understand, don't you? Tomorrow might not come.
[ It's not quite even a desire to die, just - some sort of understanding that today is today, and tomorrow is tomorrow, and the latter might not come. That is how Dazai lives. It's not, and it is, because he's lived for months, but it is disrupted often here - it's some odd feeling. Something that cannot compare, and that does not matter much aside from a select few.
But these scheduled days at Club Quarz do matter, as does this disruption. Because... It might not come again.
[ every breath he takes is a miraculous one. he's dead after all. he blew himself up. he can barely qualify as a corpse. only this supernatural magic found a way to put him here. and it's the only thing holding here. it's a gruelling thing, to live. to trust in this life. and dolph isn't known to trust. ]
Placing bets on me isn't much. I'm dead-er than the lot of you put together. I'm basically a smear on the ground.
And wouldn't it be great if it were the same for me...!?
[ And Dazai does slap the bar as though it were just an old joke between friends, and it might as well be, because his hand falls flat and that smile sinks into something more sober. He would damn well like it, but no one else would, and Dazai damn well knows it.
If these were typical circumstances and he were an old sailor coming back from some venture then they could have a damn laugh of it, fear turned into relief, but he's not and it isn't, so his hand stays on the bar, and the final hit comes with a breath. It's not denial nor a willingness to discuss it, but perhaps a slight bit of respect, or perhaps... ]
You have already built something up here.
[ And Dazai does look down, idly tracing circles on the bar. ]
... There's no shortage of people who have reached death's door who have come here,
[ Small circles, and his frown does deepen, because that future that he's seen is not one he wants, and it's been lost, and perhaps this could be called opportunity, ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw: suicidal ideation
Why would I be?
[ Maybe on some level he is, incensed in some way that normal people can't understand, and he certaintly is, but it's balanced out by care and desire, and so... ]
... I know Odasaku needs more than me, [ He nods, certain of that, in that sort of knowing way, and maybe it does piss him off a little, but ] ... If I disappear... He needs more than me.
[ Because Dazai has always thought ahead. Always, always. He doesn't think of his life as anything but transient, and so he sighs, ]
You understand, don't you? Tomorrow might not come.
[ It's not quite even a desire to die, just - some sort of understanding that today is today, and tomorrow is tomorrow, and the latter might not come. That is how Dazai lives. It's not, and it is, because he's lived for months, but it is disrupted often here - it's some odd feeling. Something that cannot compare, and that does not matter much aside from a select few.
But these scheduled days at Club Quarz do matter, as does this disruption. Because... It might not come again.
They understand that. ]
cw: graphic death mention
[ every breath he takes is a miraculous one. he's dead after all. he blew himself up. he can barely qualify as a corpse. only this supernatural magic found a way to put him here. and it's the only thing holding here. it's a gruelling thing, to live. to trust in this life. and dolph isn't known to trust. ]
Placing bets on me isn't much. I'm dead-er than the lot of you put together. I'm basically a smear on the ground.
cw: suicidal ideagttion, graphic death mention
[ And Dazai does slap the bar as though it were just an old joke between friends, and it might as well be, because his hand falls flat and that smile sinks into something more sober. He would damn well like it, but no one else would, and Dazai damn well knows it.
If these were typical circumstances and he were an old sailor coming back from some venture then they could have a damn laugh of it, fear turned into relief, but he's not and it isn't, so his hand stays on the bar, and the final hit comes with a breath. It's not denial nor a willingness to discuss it, but perhaps a slight bit of respect, or perhaps... ]
You have already built something up here.
[ And Dazai does look down, idly tracing circles on the bar. ]
... There's no shortage of people who have reached death's door who have come here,
[ Small circles, and his frown does deepen, because that future that he's seen is not one he wants, and it's been lost, and perhaps this could be called opportunity, ]
Or who will one day come to reach it.
no subject
Great, so we all know the same shit. On the same page.
[ he looks at dazai, his expression quite serious. dazai is on the cusp of something. dolph would prefer he spits it out. ]
Why are you hinging your hopes on me?