[ Vash can feel something tight coiling in his stomach. Dread, panic, like the walls of the enclosure he's built around himself are closing in. His heart aches whwn Dolph presses that kiss to his palm and he feels himself sinking into guilt. But it doesn't stop him from saying what he says next. ]
Let me stay.
[ Please. He barely breathes enough to get the words out. He needs permission. ]
[ a castle of ghosts, dolph said long ago. he wonders what kind of castle this will be for vash. he can't promise it'll be good. he's not even sure. but his answer would have been the same anyway. ]
[ Vash breathes in a long breath. He stands up a little straighter and watches Dolph with an expression that's oddly guarded, calculated, considering. He's not sure he can ever really be what Dolph needs the most, even if it's something he's finding he wants to be. He can keep trying.
He's gotten so used to Dolph being here, ready to accept him wandering into his day like a stray cat with a fish or other gift in his mouth. He'd come to expect that perhaps in this place he could share a lot of days like that with him.
[ dolph wants to spill his innards out. of course I am. what do you think I've been doing? curating gardens for you, texting you, calling you, bringing you here. for drinks. for little plants. for dances in the quiet. what do you think I've been trying to do? how much do I need to do? how much do I have to prove?
what more can he say? he's said love. he's said want. he's said he won't let go. he doesn't know what's left. he doesn't know what to do. ]
[ He's not being fair and he knows it. He can almost see it in Dolph's expression maybe, with how hard he's staring. His chest feels so tight, like he's going to vibrate straight out of his own body.
He should leave. He should wander out to the crystal spires and hide away from everyone, but he doesn't want to destroy everything he's built, he doesn't want to hurt Dolph like that when he's promised over and over again. He just wants...
He wants. ]
Okay. I want to.
[Stay. Staying. Stay here. With you. He surges forward rather suddenly as though he's making several decisions all at once, like he's jumping off a ledge he's been standing at for a while. It's his turn to do the jumping.
Vash slots his lips against Dolph's like it's some kind of promise. It's desperate the way he pushes into Dolph's space, eyes shut but not really holding back the stupid tears spilling at the corners. ]
his heart won't stop hammering, but now he feels in control. more like himself. dolph curls his arms around vash tightly, pressing him close. swallows up his kiss and all the space that could ever exist between them.
dolph kisses his lips, kisses the tears away, kisses each eyelid, he can't stop. ]
[ He's being pushy, he thinks he is, and there's a muttered apology on his lips before he leans in to catch Dolph's lips into another kiss. He manages to avoid any uncomfortable teeth clacking, but there's a sound lost into the kiss this time, something desperate and wanting, needy.
His hands settle at Dolph's hips, flesh and bone half-gloved fingers pressing past fabric to touch where he hasn't before, over warm skin — anything. There's hesitation at the edge of it, unasked questions. ]
[ dolph cradles vash's face, fingers brushing over his cheeks. vash doesn't need to hesitate. doesn't need to ponder. right or wrong, good or bad, dolph doesn't care one whit because vash is here. ]
[ He'd been so focused, and suddenly, at the gentle cradling of his face he's lost track of it. His fingers flex against the flat of Dolph's stomach, unsure even though he's been given permission. It's all new territory for him.
Crimson spreads over his face, clear to the tips of his ears, which are the darkest. He glances off towards where he'd dropped the glass a moment before almost like he's about to use that as an excuse to back off, to catch his breath. ]
I'm not afraid of you. I've never been afraid of you.
[ He says it with a shake of his head and a little laugh, or at least as much of one as he can manage considering Dolph's hold on him. His hands stay planted on Dolph's hips, thumbs rubbing idle circles over the skin there.
Talking is fine. He always feels so grounded when talking to Dolph. He's usually so much more to the point than Vash can make himself be. But picking apart his feelings and thoughts is more than he really feels like he can handle at the moment. It's a little overwhelming to navigate that particular sea. ]
[ there's a deliberate pause. vash is skittish. afraid. dolph has never minded that. there was a time when dolph was afraid too. afraid. ashamed. what did pagan min say? a pathetic little queer, afraid of himself and the world around him.
but. dolph wants to press. push a little. and believe their feelings can withstand that. ]
You're afraid of what might happen with Knives. You're afraid for me. And you're afraid for yourself.
[ The grimace he makes is obvious, but it's not directed at Dolph, or anything more than something reflexive. The subject matter is like a sharp knife, digging into wounds just freshly knit together.
But Dolph isn't wrong. Once again, he cuts to the meat of the issue. Vash's fingers curl into the fabric of Dolph's shirt as he leans forward, out of Dolph's grip, in order to plop his head down on the other man's shoulder. He doesn't say anything for a moment, just focusing on breathing through the twisting in his stomach.
He's terrified. For Dolph, of what is going to come. But when he thinks about himself his own words echo back in his ears. I don't care what happens to me! He meant it. It didn't matter what happened to him then, but as he lifts his arms up to hook around Dolph's back to hold on to him, he realizes for the sake of the people that he's come to care about here that... isn't the course of action either. ]
He won't hurt me. [ Not directly. Not physically. ]
[ he knows this much. because even in another reality, livio left to protect vash. from knives. and he's sure there were plenty of other instances. knives would hurt vash in order to ensure his goal. the ends would justify the means.
dolph runs his fingers down vash's hair. soothing circles pressed into his back. ]
All I'm saying is . . . don't let your fear take this away from you.
He picks up his head again, his expression stuck in a pout that's so pronounced his chin and lower lip poke out. It's frustration and exasperation all tucked into one, and if he felt more petulant his lower lip might wobble. It might be laying it on a little thick, but it's easier to do than to keep letting his stomach turn sour. ]
I don't want to lose this.
[ He doesn't want to lose Dolph. Dolph, who has become a sturdy, ever present figure in the life Vash has dared make for himself here. ]
[ It's been so long since he's let himself want something, let alone want someONE. Something he's never really, truly considered beyond joking fancy, a protective front or playful joke. But Dolph is real, Dolph continues to hold a hand out despite all the times Vash reaches out only to take four steps away as he does so.
Dolph CONTINUES to make an effort to sneak in past the walls Vash has so carefully erected around himself to protect others, to protect himself. It's all too much like sitting in the middle of a blank room Staring at one of the first person he's really seen in over a hundred years.
Dolph, who has so many people who care about him, who he cares about. Always making an effort for him. One of those kisses that lands gets one in return, and another, before he's certain for every one he gets he's giving one in return.
[ oh. he feels the trembling, the tears. dolph holds him close through it all. it's a breakthrough. dolph can weather it. he can weather it all if it means vash will do. that vash is here, in his arms. it's still the most miraculous thing, his small tiny wish that grew into such momentous proportions. that vash brought hope back into his life.
[ He's not sure he's going to get used to someone saying that to him, especially not the way Dolph does. It feels just as intimate as the first time. A little moment for the both of them.
He says it back of course, the words coming out with a laugh as he lifts one of his own hands up to follow after Dolph's. He really shouldn't be crying so much. ]
I love you too. I'm not going to go anywhere. I don't want to run away from this.
[ Vash is a coward, but he's also stubborn. His brother being here will change things, but he doesn't have to disappear from people's lives. If he tries hard enough, if he can just talk to Knives, then maybe things could change for the better.
He moves to cradle Dolph's face in the same way Dolph had done him a few moments before. ]
I'm sorry for making you worry. I'll make it up to you somehow.
[ It's a little petulant, but in good humor. It's especially clear considering he hasn't yet let go of Dolph's face. Overall, it's a positive change from the tears he was definitely not shedding a moment or two before. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Let me stay.
[ Please. He barely breathes enough to get the words out. He needs permission. ]
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Stay.
I want you to stay. I would love you to stay.
So stay. I won't let go.
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He's gotten so used to Dolph being here, ready to accept him wandering into his day like a stray cat with a fish or other gift in his mouth. He'd come to expect that perhaps in this place he could share a lot of days like that with him.
It makes him feel selfish. ]
Are you sure?
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what more can he say? he's said love. he's said want. he's said he won't let go. he doesn't know what's left. he doesn't know what to do. ]
Stay. Please.
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He should leave. He should wander out to the crystal spires and hide away from everyone, but he doesn't want to destroy everything he's built, he doesn't want to hurt Dolph like that when he's promised over and over again. He just wants...
He wants. ]
Okay. I want to.
[ Stay. Staying. Stay here. With you. He surges forward rather suddenly as though he's making several decisions all at once, like he's jumping off a ledge he's been standing at for a while. It's his turn to do the jumping.
Vash slots his lips against Dolph's like it's some kind of promise. It's desperate the way he pushes into Dolph's space, eyes shut but not really holding back the stupid tears spilling at the corners. ]
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his heart won't stop hammering, but now he feels in control. more like himself. dolph curls his arms around vash tightly, pressing him close. swallows up his kiss and all the space that could ever exist between them.
dolph kisses his lips, kisses the tears away, kisses each eyelid, he can't stop. ]
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His hands settle at Dolph's hips, flesh and bone half-gloved fingers pressing past fabric to touch where he hasn't before, over warm skin — anything. There's hesitation at the edge of it, unasked questions. ]
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[ dolph cradles vash's face, fingers brushing over his cheeks. vash doesn't need to hesitate. doesn't need to ponder. right or wrong, good or bad, dolph doesn't care one whit because vash is here. ]
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Crimson spreads over his face, clear to the tips of his ears, which are the darkest. He glances off towards where he'd dropped the glass a moment before almost like he's about to use that as an excuse to back off, to catch his breath. ]
....Pretty sure it's yours, actually.
[ Dumb, but he's flustered now. ]
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You know what I mean. There's nothing to be afraid of.
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[ He says it with a shake of his head and a little laugh, or at least as much of one as he can manage considering Dolph's hold on him. His hands stay planted on Dolph's hips, thumbs rubbing idle circles over the skin there.
Talking is fine. He always feels so grounded when talking to Dolph. He's usually so much more to the point than Vash can make himself be. But picking apart his feelings and thoughts is more than he really feels like he can handle at the moment. It's a little overwhelming to navigate that particular sea. ]
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but. dolph wants to press. push a little. and believe their feelings can withstand that. ]
You're afraid of what might happen with Knives. You're afraid for me. And you're afraid for yourself.
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But Dolph isn't wrong. Once again, he cuts to the meat of the issue. Vash's fingers curl into the fabric of Dolph's shirt as he leans forward, out of Dolph's grip, in order to plop his head down on the other man's shoulder. He doesn't say anything for a moment, just focusing on breathing through the twisting in his stomach.
He's terrified. For Dolph, of what is going to come. But when he thinks about himself his own words echo back in his ears. I don't care what happens to me! He meant it. It didn't matter what happened to him then, but as he lifts his arms up to hook around Dolph's back to hold on to him, he realizes for the sake of the people that he's come to care about here that... isn't the course of action either. ]
He won't hurt me. [ Not directly. Not physically. ]
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[ he knows this much. because even in another reality, livio left to protect vash. from knives. and he's sure there were plenty of other instances. knives would hurt vash in order to ensure his goal. the ends would justify the means.
dolph runs his fingers down vash's hair. soothing circles pressed into his back. ]
All I'm saying is . . . don't let your fear take this away from you.
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[ And he might try.
He picks up his head again, his expression stuck in a pout that's so pronounced his chin and lower lip poke out. It's frustration and exasperation all tucked into one, and if he felt more petulant his lower lip might wobble. It might be laying it on a little thick, but it's easier to do than to keep letting his stomach turn sour. ]
I don't want to lose this.
[ He doesn't want to lose Dolph. Dolph, who has become a sturdy, ever present figure in the life Vash has dared make for himself here. ]
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[ dolph kisses the curved lines of that mouth, corner to corner. ]
We'll make it.
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Dolph CONTINUES to make an effort to sneak in past the walls Vash has so carefully erected around himself to protect others, to protect himself. It's all too much like sitting in the middle of a blank room Staring at one of the first person he's really seen in over a hundred years.
Dolph, who has so many people who care about him, who he cares about. Always making an effort for him. One of those kisses that lands gets one in return, and another, before he's certain for every one he gets he's giving one in return.
He's not going to cry but he might be. ]
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dolph brushes away whatever wayward tears appear. ]
I love you. Stay with me.
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He says it back of course, the words coming out with a laugh as he lifts one of his own hands up to follow after Dolph's. He really shouldn't be crying so much. ]
I love you too. I'm not going to go anywhere. I don't want to run away from this.
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We'll face it together.
[ like vash said, when they dealt with alex. ]
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He moves to cradle Dolph's face in the same way Dolph had done him a few moments before. ]
I'm sorry for making you worry. I'll make it up to you somehow.
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Yeah? I'd like to see that.
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[ It's a little petulant, but in good humor. It's especially clear considering he hasn't yet let go of Dolph's face. Overall, it's a positive change from the tears he was definitely not shedding a moment or two before. ]
Name it. Whatever you want!
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I'm . . . not sure? You could surprise me.
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I'll get you when you least expect it.
[ It's basically a threat. ]
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