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[ Dolph doesn't let him hide. Dolph doesn't let him find something to fuss over so he can shove this down. And, like he promised, Jean lets the grief stay. He doesn't try to ignore it, or cover it over. ]

I thought I lost him for good. I thought it was the end. I grieved him.

... I hate him for coming back.

[ The last statement is a whisper. Dolph knows Jean can't really hate Eren, no matter what, not when he loves him to the point he'd let Eren use his own body for shelter.

But the resentment... Jean has to speak it out loud to let it go. ]

That's fair. You're allowed to be angry.

[ and relieved. and scared. there would be a lot of emotions stewing in jean right now. things that may find a conclusion. things there may be no answer for. ]

You're allowed to be you.

Angry... yeah. I don't really know what I'm feeling.

[ Relief, anger, euphoria, terror. It's a deep miasma inside of him, could easily swallow him whole.

He takes a deep breath, instead. Holds it for a few moments, and lets it out. Starts mentally unpacking his feelings, still holding on tightly to Dolph. ]

I'm... happy that I can see him again. I'm sad because I know he wanted to rest for good. I'm angry because... I thought he was gone for good, and he isn't.

I know what he's capable of, and I'm scared. I don't think he'd do that here, but I don't know if I ever really knew him that well.

[ dolph idly wonders if he'd feel similarly. if alex was alive. he doesn't want to examine that too closely. when it comes to his world and the people in it, maybe it's best they all stay dead. himself included. nothing good can spring from a place like that.

at jean's words, dolph waits before asking, tentatively. ]

Do you want to? Know him fully. Do you want to go that far?

[ it'll kill you, he almost wants to say. it'll turn you inside out like mikasa. you'll be swallowed whole. that love will spit out your bones.

and so what? it's not like his love is better or purer. if this is what jean wants . . . ]

[ Softer: ]

I do, Sina help me.

[ But, here, he looks up at Dolph, his expression fierce. ]

Not at the cost of you, though.

[ It's unfair to want it all. But god help him, Jean has always been good at wanting. ]

[ this is going to kill him. it's going to kill someone. dolph saw it long ago, when he first met eren. their fissures, their cracks, they were all the same. he wonders if he sees this new eren now, will he just be looking back at himself? he had wanted eren to escape. he had hoped he would.

I had to sacrifice what I loved the most.

I need you. I love you.

dolph traces the curve of jean's lips for a moment. he doesn't move closer. he doesn't . . . do anything. he can't. not at this juncture. ]

Then you should. Follow it through.

Your only chance is here.

My chance here is with you.

[ It's instant, fierce - and it becomes clear this isn't Jean sacrificing his own desires for Dolph. This is what he wants. ]

You asked me if I thought we could have made it in another life. We're not in another life, though. We're in this one, and I chose you.

[ Jean shifts his hands to curl them around Dolph's, squeezing. ]

I choose you, Dolph. I love you. Even if I want it all, I won't make you unhappy again.

I — [ what is the right thing to do here? what should he do? the fear chokes him that his voice cracks at the seams, ready to bleed out. it's gutting. his fingers shake from the enormity of it.

he's been chosen. this is what he's always wanted. he is . . . someone to someone. not forever untethered to everyone at large. a distant figure with no ties keeping him anywhere. and dolph knows, he knows what he wants. like a fire in his chest, burning through. he knows.

so he cracks, bending his head, letting a quiet sob slip through. ]

I won't give you up. I can't. I can't.

Then I won't.

[ Jean's voice is quiet, and he shifts his hands to curl around Dolph's back - drawing him down, taking his weight if Dolph will let him. He tucks his face into Dolph's hair, taking a deep breath. ]

I still love him. I can't change that. But you're mine, and I'm yours. We're in this together.

[ Softer: ]

There's no giving me up. We said we'd make it work no matter what.

[ we. we. it rings like a bell in dolph's ears. he shudders as he pulls jean close, his grip as solid as a rock. damn him. damn everything. he's going to do it. he's going to keep him. he'll fight vaeros. he'll fight them all. the light of a fight returns to his eye. ]

I won't give up.

[ never again. never.

stronger, hope burning through his throat. ]

We won't give up.

No, we won't give up. I don't want to lose you. I can't.

[ It's true, to say this. He knows if Dolph left, he'd manage to survive somehow; Maruki's words are still true to him. Better to have loved someone and lost them, than to never try at all.

But he knows it'd break something else in him, too.

It's worth the risk. He turns his head to press a kiss to Dolph's mouth, then to his cheeks, over any tear tracks from Dolph's eye. ]

[ he leans into that, soaking it up. he can't quite extricate his grip as if, the moment he does, this will shatter. he encircles jean with his arms, folding him close. ]

[ Jean wouldn't let him let go if he tried. He's not kissing Dolph to start something - he's showing his affection, his love. Promising silently he'll be here to kiss away Dolph's tears no matter what.

He loves Eren.

He loves Dolph.

And by god, he'll give this man a reason to keep trying.

Softer: ]

I know you don't feel strong, sometimes. But you are one of the strongest men I know, still.

You can be fragile with me, though. I'll keep you safe. How are you feeling?

[ astarion is gone. finnick is gone. all the people he tried to love, gone gone gone. someday, he feels he'll wake up to the wreckage of the somnius and everyone will be gone. just him. a recurring nightmare that has given him no peace.

he doesn't know what to say so the silence descends for a moment as dolph tries to wrangle the words. lays his hand over jean's chest so he can hear his heartbeat. wants to etch the sound into his being. ]

I'm — [ good, fine? constantly dreading the day but trying to find a way to keep going, one step one step, he can't fall, he can't falter, but he wants to. he wants to. ] — I've been better. Just . . . hanging on.

[ Jean doesn't rush Dolph. He moves a hand to card through his hair again, gently separating the strands as Dolph finds the words to speak. ]

I realize this isn't the best question at even the best of times, but... is there anything more I can do to help?

Even if it's just to hold on for you, for a little while. So you don't have to hold yourself up.

[ dolph falls silent for a bit. all of those options sound nice, but it feels like stopgap for his problem. and it's a problem with no real solution. they have no control here. vaeros still looms, distantly or present, his influence remains.

but . . . there are things he can do. things he should take back. ]

We should . . . go on a date. Do something special. Just the two of us.

[ Jean seems surprised for a moment, and then smiles softly, even if Dolph can't see it. ]

A date... that sounds nice. Should we pack a lunch together, and go on a picnic?

[ Jean doesn't fully know it, but that would give Dolph control over the whole thing. Food, location. Nothing out of his reach. ]<

Yeah. We can . . . cook it together.

If that's okay. I know I'm not as good as you are.

You're a good cook; I'd be more than happy to cook our meal together.

[ By virtue of learning from Jean, he and Dolph work well in the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Maruki and Jean are not allowed within ten feet of each other if one of them is cooking. ]

Anything specific you have in mind?

Not yet. But we can . . . think of things together.

I don't really know much about picnics.

Mmm... we should go in the evening, so we can look at the stars when it gets dark.

[ Jean ruffles Dolph's hair slightly. ]

There's no one style. You make or buy some food, you take a blanket or wagon out somewhere nice, you enjoy the view. Whether that's the person or the place. You get to just... be.

[ he smiles faintly. ]

We. We just get to be.

We get to just be.

[ He squeezes his arm around Dolph. He's still anxious and sick with it. But this... it helps. It helps him a lot. ]

[ dolph runs his fingers down his back. ]

If you need to let go, let go.

I'll still be here.

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