[ Jean, belatedly, is realizing he's never actually had to deal with Levi being gone.
Unavailable, sure, especially back home when he was deployed on missions. But Levi has always been present since he joined the Survey Corps; whether as a figure or his near Captain. Even after everything, in Fort Salta, he hadn't been far, even if he was still recovering.
And now Levi's gone. There's a tea shop that was once his that is currently shuttered. There's a crushing feeling in Jean's chest, achingly familiar. At least, this time, he knows Levi's not dead.
But he's gone.
He eventually makes it to Dolph's cabana, looking a little lost. Has someone told Dolph yet? He came straight here, rather than the bar. If Jean is aching, Dolph - he's going to be crushed. ]
[ it's hard to put into words. levi was the first person who welcomed dolph. it's because of levi that he managed to straighten his spine. navigate the muddy waters. fight for himself. levi was there, every single step of the way, even when dolph fucked it up. and they were finally in such a good place. dolph no longer placed the man on a pedestal. levi leaned on dolph. trusted him. believed in him.
he just never thought levi would go. he always felt what levi had was so close to perfect. so close to happiness. how could that just vanish? be taken away? he was married. but that's the nature of the cage, of having overlords. they giveth and they taketh.
he doesn't know what to make of it. he feels numb. alex came. died. wasn't real. levi would be ashamed to see him flounder. he let the man down and now he's gone. a maelstrom of feelings churn and dolph just wants to cut them off like a limb.
normally, he'd be at the bar. but it feels odd to drink. levi didn't even like alcohol. instead he sort of meanders around the cabana listlessly. erwin would be crushed. eren will be crushed. jean will be crushed. he has to keep it together. he has to.
at jean's voice he startles himself out of his reverie. ]
[ Jean's response to Dolph comes as he steps into the living room. He could start by asking if Dolph has heard. Instead, Jean chooses to step closer until he can wrap his arms around Dolph and hug him.
It's a little odd, for him; he's affectionate with Dolph, but it usually takes him a moment to 'warm up' to it when he comes back from being in public. Jean breathes his fiancee deep for a moment before he speaks. ]
I got some bad news today, about Levi.
[ Dolph is often more plugged into the network than he is, so he may already know. ]
[ Jean nods a little. He's silent for a moment, holding tight to Dolph. ]
I know I'm not okay and I know you're not either. So we don't have to... [ He trails off, finally settling on:] fix this. I just want to be not okay, together.
[ he's — not really sure how he is. dolph just feels a bit numb. grieving lost loves, that he understood. but he had no real label for what levi meant to him. no real way to articulate it. ]
[ It's in Jean's nature to wrap his emotions up tight, and not share him. Dolph is the one who's asked him to lean on him when he needs it; it's why he even admits he's not okay at all.
Jean nods again at Dolph's words. He's not sure what to do, so he stays there, holding him. He's not the type to cry much, at the very least, so there's no impending tears.
He wants to move - to do something, to distract himself. But Maruki has reminded him he can't run from his feelings, either. ]
[ dolph combs his fingers through jean's hair. tucks him close. rubs his back. this is what he always wanted to be, in a way. a comfort. a tower. alex was that for him long ago and dolph basked in it, but he wanted it to be both ways. he wanted his own care to matter just as much. to be needed just as much.
[ yeah. an imperfect ending, but that's not the worst thing. he wonders if levi will even remember. he hopes he does. he hopes it gives some comfort. warmth in the long days ahead. but dolph doesn't need to worry. levi is strong.
[ Jean knows that Dolph has a complicated relationship with people leaving. He knows that his own regret is that Levi won't be at their wedding, but he'll make a space for him anyway - for all the people they've lost, back home and here.
Instead, he rubs his hand across Dolph's back, trying to let him know he's here. He knows Dolph knows Levi didn't want to leave. He could remind him of that, but at the end of the day it doesn't erase the bitter loss of losing him. ]
... I don't think he ever told me how you two met.
I guess not. He hit me up on the network. And then asked me to come over. I was in a pretty bad state then. Didn't want a house, didn't want anything. He convinced me to try. Made me my first cup of tea, let me shower. Let me work through it.
That sounds like him. If you weren't actively dying, a cup of tea was his suggestion... but he wasn't wrong. Taking a moment to slow down keeps you from fucking up later.
He used to get so angry whenever I told him about my life. It surprised me every time. Things were messy at the start but . . . We came to a good place. He shared a lot of himself with me too.
[ He doesn't elaborate, but he knows Levi has the same strong set of feelings that Jean himself does; that no one deserves to be mistreated because of where they were born, or what they are.
Jean nods a little bit. ]
You probably know a little more than I do. We were close but there were things he kept private still.
[ Jean smiles a little. ]
And that's good, because I'm glad he found kinship with you.
[ for some reason, that loosens the knot in his chest. for a long time, he felt like an outsider among the others. not part of their world. their shared experiences. he never felt he could fully bridge that gap, no matter how kindly they let him in, how real it was.
but. it was always real. he was always a part of levi's life. dolph knew about the time he met erwin. his life with his mother. his struggle. even their brief sorrow over finnick, they shared together. dolph gave him tips for his shop.
levi . . . really and truly loved him and dolph . . . had loved him too.
[ He isn't sure what he says that makes Dolph grip him tighter, but Jean responds by squeezing Dolph back. He lifts his head to press a kiss to Dolph's cheek, his forehead just a touch out of reach while they're standing.
Dolph was loved by Levi. He can only hope Dolph understands that. There's a reason Jean had asked him to be at their wedding, and it wasn't only for Jean's sake. ]
[ Jean keeps his arms wrapped abound Dolph. There's no way to know for sure, and the one time he's lied to someone here (Eren) it went so catastrophically bad for so long. He doesn't make a habit of it even now. ]
It doesn't change that it happened, though. He was a better person because of you too.
[ was he? this is the hard thing. this is how people live. believing. hoping. dolph cut that off for so long. now, with alex behind him and a better world existing, he has to do better. ]
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post levi leaving
Unavailable, sure, especially back home when he was deployed on missions. But Levi has always been present since he joined the Survey Corps; whether as a figure or his near Captain. Even after everything, in Fort Salta, he hadn't been far, even if he was still recovering.
And now Levi's gone. There's a tea shop that was once his that is currently shuttered. There's a crushing feeling in Jean's chest, achingly familiar. At least, this time, he knows Levi's not dead.
But he's gone.
He eventually makes it to Dolph's cabana, looking a little lost. Has someone told Dolph yet? He came straight here, rather than the bar. If Jean is aching, Dolph - he's going to be crushed. ]
Dolph?
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he just never thought levi would go. he always felt what levi had was so close to perfect. so close to happiness. how could that just vanish? be taken away? he was married. but that's the nature of the cage, of having overlords. they giveth and they taketh.
he doesn't know what to make of it. he feels numb. alex came. died. wasn't real. levi would be ashamed to see him flounder. he let the man down and now he's gone. a maelstrom of feelings churn and dolph just wants to cut them off like a limb.
normally, he'd be at the bar. but it feels odd to drink. levi didn't even like alcohol. instead he sort of meanders around the cabana listlessly. erwin would be crushed. eren will be crushed. jean will be crushed. he has to keep it together. he has to.
at jean's voice he startles himself out of his reverie. ]
I'm here. In the living room.
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[ Jean's response to Dolph comes as he steps into the living room. He could start by asking if Dolph has heard. Instead, Jean chooses to step closer until he can wrap his arms around Dolph and hug him.
It's a little odd, for him; he's affectionate with Dolph, but it usually takes him a moment to 'warm up' to it when he comes back from being in public. Jean breathes his fiancee deep for a moment before he speaks. ]
I got some bad news today, about Levi.
[ Dolph is often more plugged into the network than he is, so he may already know. ]
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I heard. I spoke to Erwin.
[ his voice trails off, unsure. ]
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I know I'm not okay and I know you're not either. So we don't have to... [ He trails off, finally settling on:] fix this. I just want to be not okay, together.
[ Even if just for a little bit. ]
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I'm here. We don't need to — say anything.
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Jean nods again at Dolph's words. He's not sure what to do, so he stays there, holding him. He's not the type to cry much, at the very least, so there's no impending tears.
He wants to move - to do something, to distract himself. But Maruki has reminded him he can't run from his feelings, either. ]
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after a pause, dolph does tentatively ask. ]
Will you . . . see him again?
[ if jean ever somehow made it back. ]
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Yes. He ... doesn't have Erwin, and he probably won't walk anytime soon. But he makes it.
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and now. he has to be. ]
That's good enough for me.
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Instead, he rubs his hand across Dolph's back, trying to let him know he's here. He knows Dolph knows Levi didn't want to leave. He could remind him of that, but at the end of the day it doesn't erase the bitter loss of losing him. ]
... I don't think he ever told me how you two met.
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I guess not. He hit me up on the network. And then asked me to come over. I was in a pretty bad state then. Didn't want a house, didn't want anything. He convinced me to try. Made me my first cup of tea, let me shower. Let me work through it.
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That sounds like him. If you weren't actively dying, a cup of tea was his suggestion... but he wasn't wrong. Taking a moment to slow down keeps you from fucking up later.
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He used to get so angry whenever I told him about my life. It surprised me every time. Things were messy at the start but . . . We came to a good place. He shared a lot of himself with me too.
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[ He doesn't elaborate, but he knows Levi has the same strong set of feelings that Jean himself does; that no one deserves to be mistreated because of where they were born, or what they are.
Jean nods a little bit. ]
You probably know a little more than I do. We were close but there were things he kept private still.
[ Jean smiles a little. ]
And that's good, because I'm glad he found kinship with you.
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but. it was always real. he was always a part of levi's life. dolph knew about the time he met erwin. his life with his mother. his struggle. even their brief sorrow over finnick, they shared together. dolph gave him tips for his shop.
levi . . . really and truly loved him and dolph . . . had loved him too.
his eye stings. he grips jean tighter. ]
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Dolph was loved by Levi. He can only hope Dolph understands that. There's a reason Jean had asked him to be at their wedding, and it wasn't only for Jean's sake. ]
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but. he'll try. ]
Yeah. Maybe.
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It doesn't change that it happened, though. He was a better person because of you too.
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I'll try to believe that. And make it real.
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[ Jean smiles a little, knowing what it's like. But it goes unsaid: he'll be here for Dolph anyways. ]
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[ no more just taking steps. he has to work harder. on himself. for the people he loves. ]
But I won't give up on it.
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If you practice it long enough, you start really believing it anyway.
.... Granted, he was talking about propaganda, but I think it still stands.
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good wrap point?
yep sounds good <3