[ By the time he gets to Dolph's, he's had at least a little while to center himself. It hasn't helped much, he's still furious, frustrated and without a proper outlet. It just made sense to come to Dolph, one of the few people Vash felt comfortable enough to go to when he half feels like he's coming apart at the seams.
The place is still huge, and Vash doesn't know where Dolph is so he stops in the kitchen first, standing in the middle of it like he's half in a daze, fingers flexing. He probably should have texted Dolph first.
He moves to get a glass out of a cabinet, goes through the motions of getting ice, turns to the faucet to get water and the cup slips, clattering to the ground and shattering. Vash stares at it. Watches the ice melt a little on the tile of the floor.
[ it's nice to have his house a touch more lively. even if it comes at a price. dolph makes sure erwin has everything he needs and then tending to the menagerie he brought over. he's not great with horses, but he makes sure they're fine, takes a quick shower because horse smell is not great.
it's after all that when he wanders through the living room and close to his large kitchen that he notices vash. his expression softens before moving closer . . . and then frowns. vash seems listless. upset.
dolph reaches out to squeeze his shoulder from behind, concerned. ]
[ The touch almost immediately has Vash jumping out of his skin. He whirls around in a little wobble, staring at Dolph like he hadn't just been looking for him. His wide eyed expression lessens, and after a moment he grabs Dolph's hand and steps forward to walk him backwards. ]
Sorry. I dropped a glass. Watch your feet.
[ He looks back at the glass like he's still trying to piece together how he'd done that. ]
[ Worrying about a broken glass is so much easier than everything ricocheting around in his head right now. He looks pained for a moment, but it doesn't stop him from leaning into the touch or closing the distance between the two of them to pull Dolph into a full body hug.
Maybe it's to hide his face while he figures out how to fix it. Maybe it's just to feel something a little grounding. ]
[ dolph folds his arms around vash. he gives good hugs. he likes giving hugs. he likes to hold people close. there's nothing he enjoys more, really. and he knows how comforting it can be, just to be held.
so he tucks vash against him, runs his fingers down the back of his head and his neck. ]
We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.
[ He exhales a breath that comes out a hum, like a cat being pet along his spine. He'd been so off kilter, out of balance. Angry. He could feel the anger still settled in his chest, a hot coil that still hasn't let go He keeps his arms wrapped around Dolph, fingers curling into what fabric he finds, tucking his nose against the skin of his neck as he draws another breath in.
He doesn't want to think. He doesn't want to deal with the fact that out there his brother is already looking to undo threads Vash has woven through this place for himself. But he can't keep that information to himself, not when it poses a significant threat to people he knows. ]
Nai is here. He never listens.
[ It went about as well as it always does with them. Maybe better in minor ways but worse overall. ]
he wonders, is this it? with knives here, everything changes. vash will be wound up. stressed. fearful. but knives is alive. he remembers how heartbroken vash was. remembers holding him.
remembers an empty room in a castle. remembers watching vash slip away as dolph tries to hold on. his own arms tighten for a moment. eventually, maybe, probably —
dolph puts it aside. ]
. . . He just got here. Give it time. He's here with you.
[ and that, dolph thinks, will always be vash's greatest wish. ]
[ he's here. He's alive. But that doesn't matter when Vash can see the damage he did to his brother. When the distance between them is more than just a few steps or a few miles. It's more than a ravine. They might at well still be separated by realities. ]
I've never felt like I understood him less than today. We've never been further apart.
[ he can feel the way Dolphs hold on him tightens and there's a flash of guilt, a pain in his chest as he pulls away so that he can look at Dolph, so he can search his face. For what he's not sure, but he lifts his hands to rest on either side of Dolph's face. ]
[ dolph hesitates and curses inwardly for hesitating because he knows he's given himself away. he has to do the right thing. he has to try. he has to. but it's been so good. to have vash, to be in love, to hold him, to dance, to garden, so much that he never thought he'd have again. he's not sure he can watch things slip away a second time.
he tilts his head to press a kiss to vash's palm. ]
It'll be hard, but give it time. I know you. I've always known you.
[ Vash can feel something tight coiling in his stomach. Dread, panic, like the walls of the enclosure he's built around himself are closing in. His heart aches whwn Dolph presses that kiss to his palm and he feels himself sinking into guilt. But it doesn't stop him from saying what he says next. ]
Let me stay.
[ Please. He barely breathes enough to get the words out. He needs permission. ]
[ a castle of ghosts, dolph said long ago. he wonders what kind of castle this will be for vash. he can't promise it'll be good. he's not even sure. but his answer would have been the same anyway. ]
[ Vash breathes in a long breath. He stands up a little straighter and watches Dolph with an expression that's oddly guarded, calculated, considering. He's not sure he can ever really be what Dolph needs the most, even if it's something he's finding he wants to be. He can keep trying.
He's gotten so used to Dolph being here, ready to accept him wandering into his day like a stray cat with a fish or other gift in his mouth. He'd come to expect that perhaps in this place he could share a lot of days like that with him.
[ dolph wants to spill his innards out. of course I am. what do you think I've been doing? curating gardens for you, texting you, calling you, bringing you here. for drinks. for little plants. for dances in the quiet. what do you think I've been trying to do? how much do I need to do? how much do I have to prove?
what more can he say? he's said love. he's said want. he's said he won't let go. he doesn't know what's left. he doesn't know what to do. ]
[ He's not being fair and he knows it. He can almost see it in Dolph's expression maybe, with how hard he's staring. His chest feels so tight, like he's going to vibrate straight out of his own body.
He should leave. He should wander out to the crystal spires and hide away from everyone, but he doesn't want to destroy everything he's built, he doesn't want to hurt Dolph like that when he's promised over and over again. He just wants...
He wants. ]
Okay. I want to.
[Stay. Staying. Stay here. With you. He surges forward rather suddenly as though he's making several decisions all at once, like he's jumping off a ledge he's been standing at for a while. It's his turn to do the jumping.
Vash slots his lips against Dolph's like it's some kind of promise. It's desperate the way he pushes into Dolph's space, eyes shut but not really holding back the stupid tears spilling at the corners. ]
his heart won't stop hammering, but now he feels in control. more like himself. dolph curls his arms around vash tightly, pressing him close. swallows up his kiss and all the space that could ever exist between them.
dolph kisses his lips, kisses the tears away, kisses each eyelid, he can't stop. ]
[ He's being pushy, he thinks he is, and there's a muttered apology on his lips before he leans in to catch Dolph's lips into another kiss. He manages to avoid any uncomfortable teeth clacking, but there's a sound lost into the kiss this time, something desperate and wanting, needy.
His hands settle at Dolph's hips, flesh and bone half-gloved fingers pressing past fabric to touch where he hasn't before, over warm skin — anything. There's hesitation at the edge of it, unasked questions. ]
[ dolph cradles vash's face, fingers brushing over his cheeks. vash doesn't need to hesitate. doesn't need to ponder. right or wrong, good or bad, dolph doesn't care one whit because vash is here. ]
[ He'd been so focused, and suddenly, at the gentle cradling of his face he's lost track of it. His fingers flex against the flat of Dolph's stomach, unsure even though he's been given permission. It's all new territory for him.
Crimson spreads over his face, clear to the tips of his ears, which are the darkest. He glances off towards where he'd dropped the glass a moment before almost like he's about to use that as an excuse to back off, to catch his breath. ]
I'm not afraid of you. I've never been afraid of you.
[ He says it with a shake of his head and a little laugh, or at least as much of one as he can manage considering Dolph's hold on him. His hands stay planted on Dolph's hips, thumbs rubbing idle circles over the skin there.
Talking is fine. He always feels so grounded when talking to Dolph. He's usually so much more to the point than Vash can make himself be. But picking apart his feelings and thoughts is more than he really feels like he can handle at the moment. It's a little overwhelming to navigate that particular sea. ]
[ there's a deliberate pause. vash is skittish. afraid. dolph has never minded that. there was a time when dolph was afraid too. afraid. ashamed. what did pagan min say? a pathetic little queer, afraid of himself and the world around him.
but. dolph wants to press. push a little. and believe their feelings can withstand that. ]
You're afraid of what might happen with Knives. You're afraid for me. And you're afraid for yourself.
[ The grimace he makes is obvious, but it's not directed at Dolph, or anything more than something reflexive. The subject matter is like a sharp knife, digging into wounds just freshly knit together.
But Dolph isn't wrong. Once again, he cuts to the meat of the issue. Vash's fingers curl into the fabric of Dolph's shirt as he leans forward, out of Dolph's grip, in order to plop his head down on the other man's shoulder. He doesn't say anything for a moment, just focusing on breathing through the twisting in his stomach.
He's terrified. For Dolph, of what is going to come. But when he thinks about himself his own words echo back in his ears. I don't care what happens to me! He meant it. It didn't matter what happened to him then, but as he lifts his arms up to hook around Dolph's back to hold on to him, he realizes for the sake of the people that he's come to care about here that... isn't the course of action either. ]
He won't hurt me. [ Not directly. Not physically. ]
[ he knows this much. because even in another reality, livio left to protect vash. from knives. and he's sure there were plenty of other instances. knives would hurt vash in order to ensure his goal. the ends would justify the means.
dolph runs his fingers down vash's hair. soothing circles pressed into his back. ]
All I'm saying is . . . don't let your fear take this away from you.
He picks up his head again, his expression stuck in a pout that's so pronounced his chin and lower lip poke out. It's frustration and exasperation all tucked into one, and if he felt more petulant his lower lip might wobble. It might be laying it on a little thick, but it's easier to do than to keep letting his stomach turn sour. ]
I don't want to lose this.
[ He doesn't want to lose Dolph. Dolph, who has become a sturdy, ever present figure in the life Vash has dared make for himself here. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Shortly after a Knife
The place is still huge, and Vash doesn't know where Dolph is so he stops in the kitchen first, standing in the middle of it like he's half in a daze, fingers flexing. He probably should have texted Dolph first.
He moves to get a glass out of a cabinet, goes through the motions of getting ice, turns to the faucet to get water and the cup slips, clattering to the ground and shattering. Vash stares at it. Watches the ice melt a little on the tile of the floor.
It's sure a sight to see. ]
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it's after all that when he wanders through the living room and close to his large kitchen that he notices vash. his expression softens before moving closer . . . and then frowns. vash seems listless. upset.
dolph reaches out to squeeze his shoulder from behind, concerned. ]
Hey. Something wrong?
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Sorry. I dropped a glass. Watch your feet.
[ He looks back at the glass like he's still trying to piece together how he'd done that. ]
I'll clean it.
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[ dolph eyes vash, trying to place his mood. he brushes his knuckles over vash's cheek. ]
What's going on?
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Maybe it's to hide his face while he figures out how to fix it. Maybe it's just to feel something a little grounding. ]
...
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so he tucks vash against him, runs his fingers down the back of his head and his neck. ]
We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to.
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He doesn't want to think. He doesn't want to deal with the fact that out there his brother is already looking to undo threads Vash has woven through this place for himself. But he can't keep that information to himself, not when it poses a significant threat to people he knows. ]
Nai is here.
He never listens.
[ It went about as well as it always does with them. Maybe better in minor ways but worse overall. ]
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he wonders, is this it? with knives here, everything changes. vash will be wound up. stressed. fearful. but knives is alive. he remembers how heartbroken vash was. remembers holding him.
remembers an empty room in a castle. remembers watching vash slip away as dolph tries to hold on. his own arms tighten for a moment. eventually, maybe, probably —
dolph puts it aside. ]
. . . He just got here. Give it time. He's here with you.
[ and that, dolph thinks, will always be vash's greatest wish. ]
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I've never felt like I understood him less than today. We've never been further apart.
[ he can feel the way Dolphs hold on him tightens and there's a flash of guilt, a pain in his chest as he pulls away so that he can look at Dolph, so he can search his face. For what he's not sure, but he lifts his hands to rest on either side of Dolph's face. ]
I'm not going to leave.
[ He made a promise and he intends to keep it. ]
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he tilts his head to press a kiss to vash's palm. ]
It'll be hard, but give it time. I know you. I've always known you.
And I'll still be here.
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Let me stay.
[ Please. He barely breathes enough to get the words out. He needs permission. ]
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Stay.
I want you to stay. I would love you to stay.
So stay. I won't let go.
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He's gotten so used to Dolph being here, ready to accept him wandering into his day like a stray cat with a fish or other gift in his mouth. He'd come to expect that perhaps in this place he could share a lot of days like that with him.
It makes him feel selfish. ]
Are you sure?
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what more can he say? he's said love. he's said want. he's said he won't let go. he doesn't know what's left. he doesn't know what to do. ]
Stay. Please.
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He should leave. He should wander out to the crystal spires and hide away from everyone, but he doesn't want to destroy everything he's built, he doesn't want to hurt Dolph like that when he's promised over and over again. He just wants...
He wants. ]
Okay. I want to.
[ Stay. Staying. Stay here. With you. He surges forward rather suddenly as though he's making several decisions all at once, like he's jumping off a ledge he's been standing at for a while. It's his turn to do the jumping.
Vash slots his lips against Dolph's like it's some kind of promise. It's desperate the way he pushes into Dolph's space, eyes shut but not really holding back the stupid tears spilling at the corners. ]
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his heart won't stop hammering, but now he feels in control. more like himself. dolph curls his arms around vash tightly, pressing him close. swallows up his kiss and all the space that could ever exist between them.
dolph kisses his lips, kisses the tears away, kisses each eyelid, he can't stop. ]
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His hands settle at Dolph's hips, flesh and bone half-gloved fingers pressing past fabric to touch where he hasn't before, over warm skin — anything. There's hesitation at the edge of it, unasked questions. ]
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[ dolph cradles vash's face, fingers brushing over his cheeks. vash doesn't need to hesitate. doesn't need to ponder. right or wrong, good or bad, dolph doesn't care one whit because vash is here. ]
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Crimson spreads over his face, clear to the tips of his ears, which are the darkest. He glances off towards where he'd dropped the glass a moment before almost like he's about to use that as an excuse to back off, to catch his breath. ]
....Pretty sure it's yours, actually.
[ Dumb, but he's flustered now. ]
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You know what I mean. There's nothing to be afraid of.
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[ He says it with a shake of his head and a little laugh, or at least as much of one as he can manage considering Dolph's hold on him. His hands stay planted on Dolph's hips, thumbs rubbing idle circles over the skin there.
Talking is fine. He always feels so grounded when talking to Dolph. He's usually so much more to the point than Vash can make himself be. But picking apart his feelings and thoughts is more than he really feels like he can handle at the moment. It's a little overwhelming to navigate that particular sea. ]
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but. dolph wants to press. push a little. and believe their feelings can withstand that. ]
You're afraid of what might happen with Knives. You're afraid for me. And you're afraid for yourself.
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But Dolph isn't wrong. Once again, he cuts to the meat of the issue. Vash's fingers curl into the fabric of Dolph's shirt as he leans forward, out of Dolph's grip, in order to plop his head down on the other man's shoulder. He doesn't say anything for a moment, just focusing on breathing through the twisting in his stomach.
He's terrified. For Dolph, of what is going to come. But when he thinks about himself his own words echo back in his ears. I don't care what happens to me! He meant it. It didn't matter what happened to him then, but as he lifts his arms up to hook around Dolph's back to hold on to him, he realizes for the sake of the people that he's come to care about here that... isn't the course of action either. ]
He won't hurt me. [ Not directly. Not physically. ]
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[ he knows this much. because even in another reality, livio left to protect vash. from knives. and he's sure there were plenty of other instances. knives would hurt vash in order to ensure his goal. the ends would justify the means.
dolph runs his fingers down vash's hair. soothing circles pressed into his back. ]
All I'm saying is . . . don't let your fear take this away from you.
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[ And he might try.
He picks up his head again, his expression stuck in a pout that's so pronounced his chin and lower lip poke out. It's frustration and exasperation all tucked into one, and if he felt more petulant his lower lip might wobble. It might be laying it on a little thick, but it's easier to do than to keep letting his stomach turn sour. ]
I don't want to lose this.
[ He doesn't want to lose Dolph. Dolph, who has become a sturdy, ever present figure in the life Vash has dared make for himself here. ]
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