[ he settles next to jean before wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close. he remembers doing this with alex. how relaxing it was. how important. he hopes he can do the same for jean. that being said, he's careful about his metal arm pressing against jean and he makes sure to tilt his faceplate away but his grip is firm and reassuring. ]
[ It's not that he has to; he wants to. He needs to talk to someone about it. For now, instead, he leans into Dolph's embrace, wrapping his arms around him tightly and curling his hands into the fabric of his shirt. Dolph might tilt his faceplate away, but Jean is the one who shoves his face against the side of his neck, on the same side where he has said faceplate.
Jean's not afraid of these parts of his partner. It's clear from his shuddering breaths that he's crying, but he's not sobbing openly; he just shakes, his form trembling as it happens.
It could be an hour, it could be a few minutes. Jean isn't sure how long, but eventually his breathing gets a little less harsh, the tears a little less intense. His voice is rough when he speaks. ]
How much... do you know about what happens to Eren back home?
[ It helps, Dolph touching him and holding him. By the time he speaks again, the tremors have mostly evened out, just the occasional hitch. ]
No - not us. Eren ... knew what he did because people told him. They took what I shared with them and told him what happened.
[ Jean sounds so guilty about this. It's not the whole truth; Erwin knew most of the end from Hange, after all. He likely would have told Eren what he'd done without the knowledge that Mikasa had to kill him, to much the same effect.
Jean's good at blaming himself, though. ]
Vaeros make Eren live through it, in the labyrinth. Now he's... it's like it's him in there.
[ The one Jean and Mikasa killed. ]
I can't make it better. I can't take it away from him or protect him from it. I failed. Again.
[ ah. this is a strange position for dolph to be in. no one's ever worried over him. felt bad for him. except here, of course. he feels a little envious of eren, who has people worrying over his happiness. who have chosen to be with him, no matter what.
but this is not about him so dolph can set it aside. so dolph continues to rub jean's back quietly. ]
If it was a part of his life, then it was always going to come back to him. Someday, sometime. There's no way you can prevent that. It's his life.
[ I promise, Dolph. We'll leave this place. We'll find a better life together. so many promises, so many dreams. he sighs quietly, stroking the back of jean's neck. ]
It's not lost. It's just . . . messy right now. They can't do it without you. They still need you. Sometimes even knowing doesn't make things better.
You have to believe it'll get better in time. Not now, not yet. But in the future. Your future, with them.
I guess at least I have a future here with them. And you.
[ It's a little bitter; Eren's dead at home, Mikasa is missing. Dolph is also dead if he ever disappears. But it is the truth; he should make the most of it.
He sniffs, a little. ]
I'm sorry, for all this. It's not your problems to deal with ...
[ dolph knows that feeling intimately. he’s been painfully weak, painfully desperate. he’s sunk low, even lower after Alex’s death. he even sought his embrace after everything, in a virtual reality. he misses it still.
Dolph presses a kiss to jean’s brow. ]
But you are you and I am me. That’s fine too. Be who you are.
I feel like a bad person for wishing I could take it back. Not tell him about Reiner and the others... it would have caught up to him anyways, like you said.
[ Would it be worse, if he kept it from Eren? Probably, he hates lying. He shifts his hands to curl against the front of Dolph's chest, and after a moment he tips his head up to press a kiss to his mouth. ]
Yeah. It just seems like all the people I care about keep getting it hard.
[ He slips a hand up to cup Dolph's chin. He definitely means him, this time. Maybe he's still mourning what he learned, even if he's trying to be happier here. ]
[ He's tugged closer and he presses up against Dolph, letting out a small sigh of contentment. His hands don't stay still for long, though, slipping down to rest on Dolph's hips. ]
I don't want to ... think for a while.
[ He's normally much more confident with this kind of thing. Instead his voice is barely above a whisper now. ]
[ Jean shivers a little, though it's in a good way this time. ]
Let me make you feel good.
[ Considering the crux of his issues right now, being able to make someone feel good does seem like a fairly straightforward way to distract himself. One of his hands moves to tug at the hem of Dolph's pants in further explanation. ]
[ He doesn't need to be told twice. He catches Dolph's lips in another kiss, letting himself sink into the feeling - of being wanted, of wanting to take care of someone else.
His hands move to the clasps of Dolph's pants, quickly working on undoing them - but he doesn't tug them down. Instead, Jean lets his hand stroke over Dolph with his underwear between them, teasing and feeling him up. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ he settles next to jean before wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close. he remembers doing this with alex. how relaxing it was. how important. he hopes he can do the same for jean. that being said, he's careful about his metal arm pressing against jean and he makes sure to tilt his faceplate away but his grip is firm and reassuring. ]
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Jean's not afraid of these parts of his partner. It's clear from his shuddering breaths that he's crying, but he's not sobbing openly; he just shakes, his form trembling as it happens.
It could be an hour, it could be a few minutes. Jean isn't sure how long, but eventually his breathing gets a little less harsh, the tears a little less intense. His voice is rough when he speaks. ]
How much... do you know about what happens to Eren back home?
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Not much. Just . . . the gist of it.
[ death. the end. violence. dolph only knows bits and pieces of their world and it always seemed painful to ask. ]
Did you learn something new?
this convo and dolph's convo with mikasa in tandem is just chefskiss
No - not us. Eren ... knew what he did because people told him. They took what I shared with them and told him what happened.
[ Jean sounds so guilty about this. It's not the whole truth; Erwin knew most of the end from Hange, after all. He likely would have told Eren what he'd done without the knowledge that Mikasa had to kill him, to much the same effect.
Jean's good at blaming himself, though. ]
Vaeros make Eren live through it, in the labyrinth. Now he's... it's like it's him in there.
[ The one Jean and Mikasa killed. ]
I can't make it better. I can't take it away from him or protect him from it. I failed. Again.
parallels!!
but this is not about him so dolph can set it aside. so dolph continues to rub jean's back quietly. ]
If it was a part of his life, then it was always going to come back to him. Someday, sometime. There's no way you can prevent that. It's his life.
All you can do is be part of it.
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[ Of course he's worried about Mikasa, too. He shakes his head, rubbing his face against Dolph's neck. ]
I know I can't do everything but I can't even help the people care about...
[ This includes Dolph, not that he knows. ]
I lose everyone.
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It's not lost. It's just . . . messy right now. They can't do it without you. They still need you. Sometimes even knowing doesn't make things better.
You have to believe it'll get better in time. Not now, not yet. But in the future. Your future, with them.
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[ It's a little bitter; Eren's dead at home, Mikasa is missing. Dolph is also dead if he ever disappears. But it is the truth; he should make the most of it.
He sniffs, a little. ]
I'm sorry, for all this. It's not your problems to deal with ...
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Your sorrows are my sorrows. I'm here for you.
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[ He leans forward, resting his forehead against Dolph's, a sad smile on his face.
The truth of the matter is Jean has been running from this breakdown for a long time. ]
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[ dolph knows that feeling intimately. he’s been painfully weak, painfully desperate. he’s sunk low, even lower after Alex’s death. he even sought his embrace after everything, in a virtual reality. he misses it still.
Dolph presses a kiss to jean’s brow. ]
But you are you and I am me. That’s fine too. Be who you are.
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[ Would it be worse, if he kept it from Eren? Probably, he hates lying. He shifts his hands to curl against the front of Dolph's chest, and after a moment he tips his head up to press a kiss to his mouth. ]
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You're human. We all wish for things like that. We all want things to be easier. To have breathing room for happiness.
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[ He slips a hand up to cup Dolph's chin. He definitely means him, this time. Maybe he's still mourning what he learned, even if he's trying to be happier here. ]
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It's not so hard right now.
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[ There's a small laugh, a little rough, from Jean. He lets his thumb shift to brush over Dolph's lips. ]
Being with you is easy. But you're good for me, too.
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Well. I'm here for you.
[ he stresses on the you because he feels that's important. that jean can lean on him. ]
probably a good idea to wrap unless dolph wants to let jean indulge in dicksucking LOL
[ He lets his eyes fall closed. ]
I just want to stay here for a little while, with you.
i mean he def would.
[ dolph pulls him close. ]
As long as you like.
ye olde oral fixation distraction
I don't want to ... think for a while.
[ He's normally much more confident with this kind of thing. Instead his voice is barely above a whisper now. ]
:>
[ his voice is soft and gentle. he lays a kiss to the curve of jean's ear. ]
Anything you want.
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Let me make you feel good.
[ Considering the crux of his issues right now, being able to make someone feel good does seem like a fairly straightforward way to distract himself. One of his hands moves to tug at the hem of Dolph's pants in further explanation. ]
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Okay.
[ placing a kiss on jean's lips, voice low and sultry. ]
Make me feel good.
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His hands move to the clasps of Dolph's pants, quickly working on undoing them - but he doesn't tug them down. Instead, Jean lets his hand stroke over Dolph with his underwear between them, teasing and feeling him up. ]
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cat wanting to snuggle in my lap be like: what tags??
aww kitty. I have to sleep anyway <3
kitty still here (heh) but i return
bless
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